Bret Stephens: Hi, Gail. I’ve finally figured out who Joe Biden should pick as his running mate. Trust me, she’s perfect.
Gail Collins: Bret, I’ve been locked up in my apartment for over a month. This is no time to test my patience. Spill it.
Bret: Gail, she leads one of the largest states. She’s won four consecutive elections. Her leadership during the coronavirus crisis is universally recognized as outstanding. She has crossover political appeal, a first-class temperament, and a scientific cast of mind. And if, God forbid, anything happened to Joe, she’d be ready on day one.
Gail: … waiting ….
Bret: The one drawback is that we would have to amend the Constitution to make her eligible to serve. Otherwise, Angela Merkel is my choice. Do you have a better alternative?
Gail: You know, you really had me there for a second. I thought we were going to take a look at, say, the governor of Michigan.
Angela Merkel — even if we came up with an overnight constitutional amendment plan — I can’t imagine her wanting to make the run. People in Europe tend to look at the United States these days with a certain amount of terror or distaste, depending on their temperament.
Bret: Whenever I visit with my wife’s extended family in Germany, I get the sense that they are politely probing to see whether I’ve become a zombie.
Gail: But if you want to rally around the German approach to the coronavirus, I’m certainly game. I believe it involved a whole lot of staying in place. Which, if I remember correctly, is not the way you’d like to go. Aren’t you more in line with the back-to-work agenda?
Bret: Germany moved early, tested widely, acted consistently and is now planning wisely to get people safely back to work and kids back to school, which is something neighboring Denmark has already started. Not exactly ripping a page from the Trump Model of Chaos Management.
Gail: Yeah, but given where we are now, stay in place has to be the rule. Meanwhile …
Bret: … back to the veep stakes: The Michigan governor, Gretchen Whitmer, has been in office less than two years, and her chief claim to national fame is banning big box stores from selling gardening equipment. I think steps like those are lockdown overkill, and, more to the point, a gift to the Trump campaign.
Gail: I came up through the world of state politics that I will totally concede is unglamorous in the extreme. But making your way through the legislature into the governor’s office of a large, diverse, feisty state is no small matter. Especially if you then become the person Trump calls “that woman.”
Bret: I’m guessing Trump calls every woman “that woman,” possibly including Melania.
Gail: Hehehehe.
Bret: Regarding other veep picks, my own favorites are Amy Klobuchar, who continues to project extreme sanity and can deliver an important state that Trump has his eye on after coming close in 2016; and Rhode Island’s governor, Gina Raimondo, who won’t deliver an important state but can appeal to moderates because she sometimes takes business-friendly positions. Obviously I like the centrist candidates because their views are closer to mine, but I also think Biden’s chances will be better if he reinforces his brand as a safe centrist instead of trying to reach out to the more left-wing side of the party. What do you think?
Gail: Well, the Bernie Sanders fans certainly wouldn’t agree. And it would be good to have a little excitement on the ticket. I can see why people are talking a lot about Elizabeth Warren and Whitmer, who has become way more popular since the president expressed his antipathy.
There’s not a whole lot of concern among Democrats that Biden won’t be a moderate. What we want is constant reminders that he’d be different from Trump.
Bret: An editor at a conservative publication recently asked me what Biden needs to do to win my vote. My answer was: “Breathe.” I don’t think Biden has to worry too much about differentiating himself from Trump. I think he has to worry about not differentiating himself enough from the people Trump is going to call “the scary-crazy-evil-stupid-fake-lying-socialist-politically correct-America-hating-Castro-loving-extreme-radical left.”
Gail: Ah, that’s what authority figures called me and my friends back in college. Sorry to say, it’s gotten old. This fall is going to be so fraught with real crises nobody’s going to have much time to worry about socialism.
Bret: I disagree: There’s so much government intervention in the economy already to deal with the crisis, both with lockdowns and handouts, that the subject will be front and center. So choosing someone like Elizabeth Warren plays into Trump’s hands. I also think he’d be making a mistake choosing someone with mostly coastal appeal, like Kamala Harris, or someone with a dearth of high-level political experience, like Stacey Abrams.
But what do I know? I’m conscious of not exactly being an old-time Democrat.
Gail: No, but you’re exactly the kind of non-Democratic Trump-hating moderate the Biden folks are seeking. Although of course they also need to make peace with the base that propelled Bernie.
I know Medicare for All is supposed to be a dividing point. But Biden is going to be talking a ton about health care, and he needs to at least get to a clear plan that gets everybody covered.
Bret: That’s true. And speaking of Medicare for All, did you see President Barack Obama’s endorsement of Bernie — I mean, of Biden? It seemed to me he was urging Joe to tilt left.
Gail: I don’t think Biden needed a reminder to run on good wages, student loan relief and a public option for health care coverage.
I’m most definitely not worrying about Biden turning into a scary leftist. I’m worried about him being too low key for this very high-key moment in history.
Bret: One of my biggest fears is that restrictions on large gatherings and concerns for Biden’s personal health will effectively prevent him from campaigning at all, except via YouTube videos and the like. And Trump will run around the country, using the powers of his office to mount a de facto campaign under the guise of being commander-in-chief. I’m also starting to freak out a little about what the pandemic might do to civil liberties in general, here and abroad, but that’s probably a conversation for another time.
Gail: Yes, let’s turn back to that question soon. Hard to protect the right to assemble when you can’t allow 11 people in the same room.
Bret: I guess the reason I mentioned Merkel up top is that it’s proof about how politically attractive a politics of sanity can be. I’ve had some serious misgivings about Merkel, especially in the way she handled the Syrian immigration crisis a few years ago. But right now the leader matches the moment, and her approval ratings are running north of 80 percent. In a scary moment, a country is going to pine for nonscary leadership. Nothing wrong with a tall glass of milk when the alternative is moonshine with a dash of kerosene.
Gail: Tall glass of milk, hmm? Sounds kinda like a Joe Biden metaphor. And I’ll drink to that.
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