What Rishi Sunak said: I stood here in March saying people were worried, and I know they are worried still.
What he actually meant: Remember me? I was the reassuring chap who seemed to know what he was doing when the nightmare began. I’m still here and soon I’ll be in charge and then you’ll know the worst is over.
What he said: People need to know that although hardship lies ahead, no one will be left without hope.
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What he meant: There may be plagues of locusts, the world may be plunged into a dark winter – but you will all have a voucher.
What he said: Our plan has a clear goal: to protect, support and create jobs.
What he meant: Governments cannot create jobs but people think they can so I’m telling you what you want to hear.
What he said: We entered this crisis unencumbered by dogma, and we continue in this spirit. Driven always by the simple desire to do what is right.
What he meant: I came from nowhere. I have no baggage. I am the physical embodiment of contextless reasonableness.
What he said: Our economic response to coronavirus is moving through three phases.
What he meant: Allow me to impose order retrospectively on the government’s chaotic response to this crisis. I will divide the story into three chapters to make it sound coherent.
What he said: Our interventions significantly protected people’s incomes with the least well off in society supported the most.
What he meant: The Labour Party does not know what to say because we are doing exactly what they would do.
What he said: I will never accept unemployment as an unavoidable outcome.
What he meant: One of my predecessors once said something foolish about a “price well worth paying”. I am not falling into that trap.
What he said: In truth, the job has only just begun.
What he meant: My opinion-poll ratings are sky-high and unsustainable. I must prepare my supporters for the tough time over the long haul.
What he said: Our message to business is clear: if you stand by your workers, we will stand by you.
What he meant: If I ask you nicely and bung you a subsidy, would you mind awfully not sacking your employees because the unemployment figures would look bad.
What he said: The evidence says careers advice works, so we will fund it … work coaches in job centres … the academic and economic evidence tells us these are among the most effective things we can do, so I’m investing an extra billion pounds in DWP.
What he meant: Usually I would come here and spout slogans without evidence, but because I am doing things that a lot of Conservative MPs won’t like, I’ve had to do a bit of research first.
What he said: Taken together, we expect these measures to … cut carbon by more than half a mega tonne per year, equivalent to taking 270,000 cars off the road.
What he meant: Nobody has any idea of how much carbon dioxide is a lot, and they have no idea how many cars 270,000 are either, but it sounds as if I know what I’m talking about.
What he said: And we will deal too, with the challenges facing our public finances. Over the medium term, we must, and we will, put our public finances back on a sustainable footing.
What he meant: Over the medium term, my party will need a new prime minister and balancing the books will be someone else’s problem.
What he said: We need people feeling confident – confident to buy, sell, renovate, move and improve. That will drive growth. That will create jobs.
What he meant: We need more people to go on property websites and say, “Avocado in the bathroom, whatever were they thinking?”
What he said: Food, accommodation and attractions … will see VAT reduced from next Wednesday until 12 January, from 20 per cent to 5 per cent.
What he meant: I’d like to cut VAT to zero, but we are still bound by EU law in the transition period and the minimum is 5 per cent. Don’t tell Boris.
What he said: I can announce today that, for the month of August, we will give everyone in the country an Eat Out to Help Out discount.
What he meant: And if you don’t want to go out, a 10 per cent discount on a smart mug that will keep your soup hot for three hours if you plug it into a USB, for just £162.
What he said: For me, this has never just been a question of economics, but of values: I believe in the nobility of work.
What he meant: Nobody understands the laws of economics any more. The markets are now paying the government to borrow from them, so I’ll spend as if there is no tomorrow and talk about the nobility of work instead.
What he said: It is that value, endurance, more than any other, we need to embody now. A patience to live with the uncertainty of the moment…
What he meant: Hang on in there and I will become prime minister eventually.
What he said: We will not be defined by this crisis, but by our response to it.
What he meant: The coronavirus is not my fault. I am here to offer government money and reassuring words. Vote for me.
