My Friend Is Refusing to Talk Politics With Me. Can She Do That?

My wife and I are longtime friends with another couple whose political views differ from mine. I have disagreed with the wife occasionally on some issues, and she with me — but always respectfully. Before the presidential election, I told her that I didn’t plan to vote because I could not support either candidate. She had a negative reaction to this and told me that, going forward, we should avoid political discussions if we want to remain friends. I found her statement self-righteous — as if she can be friends only with people who agree with her, and I should be careful not to express a different political opinion. Is that an acceptable ground rule for friendship?

FRIEND

Every day now — and often, every hour — I am confronted by some reminder of what a divisive time this is in American life. (It’s depressing — and exhausting.) And worse, I have begun to lose faith that we will talk our way out of this mess. Most people I know seem to be done with being persuaded. Surely you must have noticed something along these lines.

So, I am largely sympathetic with your friend. Rather than engaging in prolonged and pointless arguments, or jeopardizing a longtime friendship, she has suggested a boundary to reduce her aggravation during her leisure time. It doesn’t sound as if she is foisting her opinions on you. In fact, it seems pretty evenhanded to me — not self-righteous at all.

Now, if her proposal bothers you, you can make a pitch for continued political debate. But frankly, if you weren’t motivated to vote by the starkly different views espoused by the candidates last year, knowing one of them was bound to win, it seems disingenuous to claim that you can’t make it through a dinner party without sounding off on politics. Find another topic! Your friend is trying to preserve her tranquillity and your friendship. I respect her for that.

Feeling Left Out of the Picture

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have a teenage daughter. Sadly, both of his parents died long before we met. His sister hangs a large family photograph from 30 years ago above her mantel: It includes my husband’s ex-wife and another sibling’s ex, and it doesn’t include me or our daughter. When I mentioned the enormous photo to my husband, he said that their parents are in it, which is why his sister hangs it there. But why can’t she find a different photo? Is it fair that I’m upset?