A Loathsome Colleague Died. Why Is Everyone Pretending She Was So Great?

A high-ranking colleague at work died recently. It was unexpected; she was in her 50s. Dozens of people in the organization, including the C.E.O., are heaping praise on her and saying how badly she will be missed. We’ve all been asked to contribute to a sympathy gift for her family and to attend her funeral. The problem? She was a dreadful colleague: an arrogant, narcissistic bully who belittled everyone in the organization, including me. Nobody wanted to work on her projects. I can’t understand the outpouring of love for her now that she’s gone, and I refuse to be a part of it. Must I contribute to her memorial gift and attend her funeral?

CO-WORKER

I suspect that in your haste to call out what you see as the hypocrisy of valorizing an unpleasant colleague, you’ve made two big errors in judgment. The lesser of them is assuming that your opinions about this woman are objective fact. You are entitled to hold her in low esteem, of course, but I am virtually certain that not “everyone” found her bullying or that “nobody” wanted to work with her. That’s simply not how life — or opinion — operates.

More concerning, though, is your inability to sympathize with the grief of your colleague’s family and friends. I get that she hurt your feelings, but you must be able to see that she was also a human being and that her death will be heartbreaking for those who cared about her. My hunch is that you didn’t give this enough thought before landing on your harsh judgment, and I’m hoping you will consider it further now.

This does not require that you become a member of her admiration society. Nor do you have to attend her funeral or donate to a memorial gift. Those are personal decisions, and there is no reason to give in to peer pressure. My only request is that you try to open your heart and take a more generous view of your colleague’s life and her untimely death.

Host the Thanksgiving You Want

My husband and I want to invite my cousin and his wife to a small Thanksgiving dinner at our house. But I feel obligated to include my brother and his family, too. His teenage son is intolerable, and his wife is a bump on a log. There are other children, too, so when they come, it’s a big group. We’ve had them over many times before, and they lack common courtesy. My brother tries to moderate their behavior to little effect. Still, he would be hurt not to be invited. Last year, we felt so bad about excluding them that we didn’t celebrate at home. Is it possible not to invite them without hurt feelings?