What Keir Starmer said: It is the honour and the privilege of my life to be elected as leader of the Labour Party. It comes at a moment like none other in our lifetime.
What he really meant: I really wonder if I should have put myself forward for this.
What he said: Our willingness to come together like this as a nation has been lying dormant for too long. When millions of us stepped out onto our doorsteps to applaud the carers, visibly moved, there was hope of a better future.
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What he meant: It is the wartime spirit, isn’t it? And which party won the election after the war?
What he said: Under my leadership we will engage constructively with the government. Not opposition for opposition’s sake. Not scoring party political points or making impossible demands.
What he meant: I am not Jeremy Corbyn.
What he said: But we will test the arguments that are put forward. We will shine a torch on critical issues, and where we see mistakes, or faltering government, or things not happening as quickly as they should, we’ll challenge that.
What he meant: But I am not going to fall for Boris Johnson’s bear-hug either. The public support him, but think he has acted too slowly, so I’ll support him but point out he has acted too slowly.
What he said: When we get through this it’ll be because of our NHS staff, our care workers, our ambulance drivers, our emergency services, our cleaners, our porters … For too long they’ve been taken for granted and poorly paid. They were last and now they should be first.
What he meant: A bit of biblical uplift. “So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.” Are we sure about that bit?
What he said: I want to thank Rebecca and Lisa for running such passionate and powerful campaigns and for their friendship and support along the way.
What he meant: I will announce my shadow cabinet in due course, and then you’ll know.
What he said: I want to pay tribute to Jeremy Corbyn, who led our party through some really difficult times, who energised our movement and who’s a friend as well as a colleague.
What he meant: I know some of you believe in the tooth fairy.
What he said: And to all of our members, supporters and affiliates I say this: whether you voted for me or not I will represent you, I will listen to you and I will bring our party together. But …
What he meant: Everything before the “but” is redundant.
What he said: Antisemitism has been a stain on our party. I have seen the grief that it’s brought to so many Jewish communities. On behalf of the Labour Party, I am sorry. And I will tear out this poison by its roots.
What he meant: Jeremy Corbyn was a disaster.
What he said: The Labour Party is an incredible and powerful force for good.
What he meant: Well, it could be, in theory.
What he said: But we’ve just lost four elections in a row. We’re failing in our historic purpose.
What he meant: Wake up, here’s some coffee.
What he said: I will do my utmost to reconnect us across the country, to re-engage with our communities and voters, to establish a coalition across our towns and our cities and our regions, with all creeds and communities, to speak for the whole of the country.
What he meant: I am not very good at speeches.
What he said: Where that requires change, we will change. Where that requires us to rethink, we will rethink.
What he meant: I will hire a decent speechwriter.
What he said: I will lead this great party into a new era, with confidence and with hope. So that when the time comes, we can serve our country again in government.
What he meant: We have a chance of winning the next election if Boris Johnson handles the post-corona recession badly.
