Customs, Etiquette and Manners

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    Should I Be Worried That My New Boyfriend Admits to Being a Cad?

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    A reader is concerned that a new beau’s frequent references to jumping ship in past relationships may be laying the groundwork for him to do it with her.I have been dating a new guy, 40, for four months. So far, we really like each other. Not infrequently, though, he drops little warnings about his behavior in past relationships: He acknowledges a pattern of dropping women after he gets them to like him, for instance, and ending relationships because he feels trapped. His own father asked him if he had “messed up” our relationship yet. On the one hand, I’m glad we’re able to have these conversations, but on the other, I’m worried about moving forward with someone who has these patterns of behavior. Help!ANXIOUS GIRLFRIENDHard truth: Just because your boyfriend owns up to his bad behavior in prior relationships doesn’t mean he is going to do any better with you. It is infinitely easier to identify patterns of crummy behavior than it is to change them. He may simply be insulating himself against your anger when he eventually pulls the same stunts with you. (“I told you what I’m like!”)Still, there is no reason to conduct your love life based on my hunches. The next time your boyfriend refers to his history of falling short with women, ask him directly: “So, what’s your plan for a different outcome with me?” If he has one, be all ears! In my 30s, I worked really hard with a therapist to stop sabotaging my romantic relationships. Your boyfriend may be working on his issues, too.But if he is simply repeating the same old moves, there isn’t much reason to hope for a better result here. In your position, I would talk to him about this, not wait around anxiously. Part of your job in a relationship is to look out for yourself, and this guy clearly has some remedial work to do before he is relationship-ready. You may as well ask him if he’s doing it.Miguel PorlanKeeping Travel Headaches in PerspectiveMy friend and I are scheduled to leave in two weeks for a vacation in Asia. We booked it with a company that plans adventure travel for small groups. I’ve gone on many trips with them, on my own and with friends, and I’ve enjoyed them. The problem: My friend’s father died three weeks ago. I’ve texted her and sent a condolence card, but I haven’t heard back. I’m worried that she may not want to go on this trip, and while I want to give her space, I need to know. Full disclosure: She canceled on me at the last minute before a trip 10 years ago. So, I’m feeling especially annoyed that I deferred to her on issues like leaving from an inconvenient airport, and travel dates. Advice?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Some Couples Are Charging Guests to Attend Their Weddings

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      As wedding costs continue to increase, some couples are charging guests to attend their special day.Planning a wedding has become so expensive that some couples are asking their guests to pay to attend their special day.Hassan Ahmed, 23, is charging his guests $450 for a ticket to his wedding next year in Houston, where he lives. Mr. Ahmed said he hadn’t heard back from many of his 125 wedding guests. But he has already spent over $100,000 on the wedding, including deposits for the venue, the D.J. and the photographer. In a video on TikTok, he said he was confused by the response, noting that many of his guests had spent more money on Beyoncé or Chris Brown tickets.According to a study by the wedding planning website the Knot, the average cost of a wedding ceremony and reception in 2023 was $35,000 — an increase of $5,000 from the year before. The Knot surveyed about 10,000 couples who had married in the United States in 2023.But the approach of selling tickets to a wedding has mostly upset guests, many of whom have expressed the opinion that it is in poor taste for the couple to put their financial burden onto their guests and that there are more cost-effective ways for couples to have a wedding.Matthew Shaw, the founder of Sauveur, a wedding planning company in London, said that selling tickets “introduces a strange relationship between you and your guests, turning your guests into customers.”He added, “You’re no longer hosting — you’re offering them a paid experience, which introduces a very different narrative in terms of what guests are expecting.”We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      How Could My Friend Give My Child Melatonin Without My Permission?

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      A reader was shocked and infuriated when she wasn’t consulted before her 10-year-old was given a melatonin supplement at a sleepover.My 10-year-old daughter attended a sleepover recently. It was hosted by a family we have known and trusted for eight years. I consider the mother a personal friend — not just the mom of my daughter’s friend. So, I was alarmed and, frankly, furious when my daughter told me that the mother had distributed melatonin gummies to every girl at the sleepover. I think it’s dangerous to give medication or supplements to other people’s children. I have already talked to my daughter about what she should do if she’s offered medicine when I’m not around. But how should I handle my friend’s major breach of trust? Should I confront her or just move on knowing that I can no longer trust her?SHOCKED MOMThere is no question that your friend made an error in judgment when she gave your child melatonin without your permission. But the only way this story makes sense to me is if your trusted friend believed that the gummies — a version of the hormone our bodies produce naturally when it’s time to sleep — were harmless. They are sold over the counter, after all, and short-term use by children your daughter’s age is generally considered safe.Now, that doesn’t erase your friend’s error, but it suggests a more benign explanation: misunderstanding, not betrayal. And it makes your sustained reaction — shock, alarm, fury — seem a little over-the-top. You don’t mention anyone suffering ill effects from the gummies. Yet calmly discussing the episode with your good friend and sharing your expectations for the future doesn’t appear on your menu of possible responses. (And no, a confrontation is not a discussion.) Talk to her nicely!We all make mistakes, mothers included. It would also be wise to verify the account of a 10-year-old child. You are absolutely entitled to your honest feelings, even your strong ones. But now I urge you to put this episode in perspective before you damage a long friendship or decide to abandon it.Miguel PorlanYou Can Hold the ‘Milady’ and Still Hold the DoorI have a great boss, the best of my career. She reports to a woman I also respect and admire. The issue: As a man, how do I mind my manners with these women (opening doors for them, for instance, or helping with their luggage) without treating them like damsels in distress? It seems as if I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      The Beautiful World of Birding

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      More from our inbox:Civility on the Court, but These Are Not Civil TimesA History of Deception About Politicians’ HealthTest the CandidatesBanning Plastic Foam Nadine RedlichTo the Editor:Re “Birds Open Our Eyes and Ears,” by Ed Yong (Opinion guest essay, March 31):Mr. Yong has written a marvelous article that will resonate with many birders, especially in these troubled times. Many are the mornings when I’ve put aside reading the news in favor of watching the birds at my home in southeast Arizona.To Mr. Yong’s article I would add that seeking and identifying new birds are wonderful ways to experience the world. Spending time getting to know the birds you’ve already seen can be equally fulfilling, if not even more so.People who don’t have the luxury of traveling to find exotic species need not feel deprived; they can find fulfillment creating a songbird habitat in their backyard.Craig CorayPatagonia, Ariz.To the Editor:Thank you for the wonderful birding article. I too have become obsessive, and I am learning the names of different birds.The positive healthy aspects of birding are obvious, but people should not just get to know birds, but also think about their safety and their food. Sanctuary and breeding grounds are being depleted around the world. Shorelines are being paved and water conditions are subpar.Birds are not just for us to enjoy, enhancing our photo albums or improving our species lists. Stay a distance from their habitats, and don’t let your dog or cat tread on them. Get protected glass for buildings. Think of birds as precious, not as a game for humans.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      How Can Our Friends Choose a Realtor Other Than My Husband?

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      A reader is angered by friends who list their homes with other real estate brokers — sometimes without giving his husband a chance to make his case.My husband is an experienced Realtor. Like many, he has stories of friends who choose not to use him in their real estate transactions. Their excuse is usually that they don’t want to mix business with friendship. (This suggests to me that they don’t believe the friendship is strong enough to weather the experience or that my husband isn’t professional enough to provide top-notch service.) He has lost friends who promised to use him and then didn’t — and others who didn’t even give him a chance to make his case. They have caused him personal and financial pain. One good friend listed her home recently without even telling him. My husband is a sensitive soul, and it angers me to see him hurt by thoughtless friends. Advice?HUSBANDFeeling protective of our loved ones is a great quality — until it tips into one-sidedness. Here, I applaud your sensitivity to your husband’s distress, but you don’t seem to acknowledge the larger context: For most of us, buying or selling a home is the biggest transaction of our lives, and choosing a real estate agent who we believe will create the best outcome for us ranks higher than giving a buddy a job.Now, we real estate civilians may be mistaken in our assessment of the best broker for the job. (It’s still our call, though!) And I have had both good and horrendous experiences speaking to broker friends after I decided not to hire them. So, I understand the difficulty on both sides.My advice: Try to identify less with your husband and be more supportive of him. Rather than becoming outraged on his behalf, it would probably be more useful to help him manage his hurt feelings — which are understandable. Let him vent, then remind him that friends are making high-stakes decisions with imperfect information. It will serve him better, personally and professionally, to wish these friends well than to sever ties with them. Remember: There may be several transactions in a lifetime!Miguel PorlanWhat We Owe Our AnimalsLike many, my life was turned upside-down by the pandemic. I was living in New York but moved back to Seattle to take care of my mother. (My father had just died.) We adopted a dog that I hoped would become her new companion. I told her I would stay for a year to help raise the puppy, but I stayed for four. Now, I have an opportunity to move back to New York, but I can’t take the dog with me. The problem: My mother isn’t as bonded to the dog as I am. I thought we were getting it for her, but whenever I mention leaving, she says: “What will I do with the dog?” Thoughts?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Why Didn’t My Sister Include Me in Her ‘Family’ Birthday Party

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      A reader’s feelings are hurt after offering to fly to celebrate her sister’s 70th birthday only to be told not to bother, as “all her family” would be there.My sister and I live in different parts of the country. We’re not close, but we are cordial and visit each other every year or two. She is about to turn 70, so I offered to fly halfway across the country to help her celebrate. She declined, saying that “all her family” — her kids and grandkids — were coming for a party, so it wasn’t a good time for a visit. I stay in a hotel when I visit her, so it’s not a matter of putting me up, and there are no hard feelings between us. I am hurt not to be included. I thought I was family, too. I might have accepted a white lie (“I’m not doing anything special”), but telling me I’m not invited to her party seems hostile. Thoughts?SISTERI’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I’m also struck by how readily you placed yourself at the center of your sister’s birthday — in the same breath as reporting you aren’t close to her. (I get it, of course: We are all the starring players in our lives.) I agree that your sister chose her words poorly, but it doesn’t take a big leap to decipher what she really meant: She wants to focus on her children and grandchildren when they visit.Many siblings drift over time (and distance). And your “cordial” relationship with your sister is not uncommon: You may have been central to each other — formative, even — in early life but not so much today. That doesn’t take away from the warmth you feel for each other. She was simply being honest when she said she wanted to give her undivided attention to her children and grandchildren on her birthday. She may not get to see them as often as she would like.Your visit probably constitutes a different kind of special occasion: more nostalgic and rooted in the past. And a gentler reading of your sister’s response is that she didn’t want you to fly halfway across the country and feel neglected. So, I hope you can get past your hurt feelings and find another time for a sisterly celebration.Miguel PorlanNursing a Grudge to Honor a Friendship?In college, my best friend and I dated another pair of best friends. After we graduated, five years ago, the other couple broke up, but my partner and I are still together. My friend’s ex was unkind to her during their breakup, and she still resents him — even though they are both in other relationships now. The problem: The ex is moving to our city. My partner would like me to spend time with his friend and his girlfriend occasionally, but I think my friend would be hurt if I did. (And my partner will be hurt if I don’t!) Advice?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Why Won’t Our Daughter Introduce Us to Her New Boyfriend?

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      Parents who enjoy an otherwise close relationship with their 33-year-old daughter feel hurt not to have been introduced to a man she met three months ago and with whom she now lives.Our only child is 33 and unmarried. We have a good relationship with her. She lives 30 minutes away from us, and we see her frequently. She met a man three months ago, and he has now moved in with her. The problem: We would love to meet him and become part of their lives together, but she says she is not ready to introduce us yet. We have tried to set up various opportunities to meet him, but she refuses. She says it’s not him, it’s her. She wants the encounter to be “perfect” and is anxious that it won’t be. I feel hurt! We try to avoid talking about him, but he soon becomes the elephant in the room. She says she’s an adult, and it’s her decision. Should we respect her privacy? She seems happy.PARENTSMy guess here — based on a thousand years of watching parents and children at odds — is that your daughter sets great store by your opinion, and she may feel that you have been critical of her in the past. This doesn’t mean you have a bad relationship, but it may account for her delaying the moment of inevitable judgment when you meet the boyfriend. Or she may be uncertain of the new relationship herself and not want to hear your opinions about it yet.I may be wrong, of course, but even so, the smarter move here would be to reframe your question. Not: “How can I strong-arm an introduction from my daughter?” But instead: “How can I support her choices and happiness?” I recommend trying to make her feel safer. Because at the ripe old age of 33, she doesn’t need your permission to date anyone.So, turn down the heat; there is no elephant here! The next time you see her, say: “Honey, introduce us to your boyfriend whenever you feel comfortable. No pressure!” You may also advance your cause by being upbeat and nonjudgmental about other areas of her life — not that you aren’t already. (Just be careful about unnecessary criticism.)Miguel PorlanThanks for Having Me! Sorry in Advance for the Yelp Review.I was at a small dinner party where the hostess served a first course that I despise: cold cucumber soup. I thought I might gag on it. A friend suggested that the hostess should have offered me something else when the issue became obvious. I didn’t think fast enough to claim a food allergy. I felt bad, but what to do?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Why Can’t My Friend Accept That My Disabled Son Has a Great Life?

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      Put off by pitying displays of concern for her son’s paralysis, a reader wonders how to handle a well-meaning friend whose support misses the mark.Our son was partly paralyzed in a sporting accident as a teenager. Now, years later, he lives a full life — with friends, a job, sports and lots of fun. Still, when we socialize with a certain friend, our son’s disability is her main concern: We get sad eyes, soft touches and pronouncements about how brave we are. I know she means to be supportive, but it makes me uncomfortable. When I respond that his paralysis is not as problematic as she thinks, she goes on and on about how inspirational he is. Sometimes, it casts a pall over the room. Obviously, I am not uncaring about my son’s situation, but he is more than his legs. How should I handle this?MOTHERI think there may be two issues here: Your friend’s well-intentioned compassion — which you kindly acknowledge — seems to have tipped into pity. That would make many of us bristle. Pity carries a whiff of superiority. And I second your objection to your friend’s (implicit) judgment that your son is somehow inferior because he’s paralyzed. He seems to be living a full and happy life!Now, we can manage this first issue pretty easily. But the challenge comes — in my experience — because your friend may be frightened by your son’s disability: She brings it up endlessly because she can’t imagine how she would cope in your position. The prospect may unnerve her.So I would be direct but gentle with her. When you have some time alone with her, say: “You seem so focused on my son’s disability. We’ve all had years to process his accident. And look at what a fulfilling life he leads. You may want to consider why his disability strikes such a deep chord in you.” As you aptly put it, we are all more than our challenges.Miguel PorlanTable-Side Chat, or Tip-Gouging Enterprise?In restaurants recently, several waiters have delivered meals to our table and then proceeded to talk to us the whole time we were eating. In retrospect, I realize they shared — in great detail — their hard-luck stories. I wonder if they do this in hopes of getting bigger tips. I know times are tough, and I want to be sympathetic. But restaurant meals are treats, and we’d like to be left alone to enjoy them. Any advice? We don’t want to be rude.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Leap Day Wants Respect

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      Those born on Feb. 29 are trying to get some recognition for “a day that doesn’t exist.”The strangest non-holiday of the year is upon us.Leap day is a wrinkle in time that goes unmentioned on many wall and desk calendars. Those born on Feb. 29 may face problems when it comes to filling out forms or settling basic questions of identity.“People didn’t believe me that I was born on a day that didn’t exist,” said Raenell Dawn, who was born Feb. 29, 1960, describing her school years.In 1983, while working in retail, Ms. Dawn encountered a customer who was a fellow leap day baby. “I was so excited to meet him,” she said. Then came a moment of disappointment, when she learned that the man had no special feeling about his birthday.“He didn’t seem to care one leaping bit!” Ms. Dawn said. “It made me realize — I’ve got to find people that are born on this birthday, that are happy about it, that get it.”She started a club for “leapers” or “leaplings,” as she calls those born on Feb. 29. She recruited the first members via newspaper ads (it was the ’80s). Years later, she met Peter Brouwer, a leapling who had formed a similar club. They joined forces to create the Honor Society of Leap Day Babies.Ms. Dawn, who lives in Oregon, said she would like to see leap year and leap day given the dignity of uppercase treatment. To support her case, she cites Groundhog Day, which is capitalized in dictionaries and news publications.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More