Customs, Etiquette and Manners

A mother-in-law is unsure whether to say something to her son (or his wife) after hearing through the grapevine about an upsetting scene at a hotel bar.A friend of mine saw my daughter-in-law in a hotel bar with a man who is not my son. As my friend reported it, my daughter-in-law was dressed to the nines, draped all over the man and feeding him with her fingers. My friend walked over to her and asked, “Where are your husband and the kids?” My daughter-in-law answered calmly, and my friend walked away. This information is making me quite angry and sad. Do I tell my son about it, ask my daughter-in-law or keep it to myself?MOMLet’s start with the loving heart of your question: You feel protective of your son and want good things for him. Nothing wrong with that! Now, your friend’s account — though it may be totally accurate — strikes me as the stuff of romance novels: a steamy seduction in a hotel bar. But your daughter-in-law’s nonchalance with your friend tells a different story: Wouldn’t she be flustered if she were caught doing something wrong? Things aren’t adding up here!So, is your friend trustworthy? If you have doubts, put this matter on hold (for now). If not, and you want your son to know the story, report it to him in a more measured way. Be sure to tell him that you did not witness any of it personally. I would not talk to your daughter-in-law about this. Your relationship with her, even if it’s close, is based on her marriage — the intimate workings of which are none of your business.Now, I know that I am threading a dubious needle here: sanctioning meddlesome behavior for the sake of (possibly) mitigating harm. Your son and daughter-in-law may have an arrangement that could explain what your friend saw, and reporting the story may strain your relationship with the couple. Still, if you decide to speak up, try to put aside your own feelings. Your anger and sadness — which I sympathize with — are not the point here.Miguel PorlanNext Subject, PleaseI celebrate holidays with my mom’s side of the family. They live closer than my father’s side. But my maternal grandparents are extremely conservative; I am not. I would be fine keeping our views to ourselves, but they lecture me. This Thanksgiving, topics included why I should share their religious beliefs and why it’s inappropriate for me to wear short pants. How do I tell them I’m not OK with this?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

A reader dreads the thought of her partner seeing her squalid childhood home, but being honest with her parents about her embarrassment is a nonstarter.I am in my late 30s and in a great relationship. We’ve decided to move in together when our separate apartment leases end. We are both very tidy. But I am a clean freak because I grew up in a chaotic, dirty home. It took me years of therapy and self-help to deal with this. My boyfriend is just the opposite: I’ve visited his parents in the beautiful home where he grew up. Now, I am panicked about taking him to visit my childhood home. My parents are dirty and messy. Think: grime and roaches and leaving open cans of cat food on the kitchen counter for days. Telling my parents that I don’t want to bring my boyfriend to visit because I’m embarrassed to bring anyone there would hurt their feelings — which I can’t do. And when I’ve gone home by myself to clean, it causes arguments with them. What should I do?DAUGHTERFirst, let me applaud you for doing the hard work that was required for you to live differently from the way you were raised. It sounds to me, though — and this is no criticism — that you have not worked through the shame you feel about your parents and your childhood. And I can tell you from experience that there is no magic pill for dealing with shame.Still, one of the great comforts of being in a loving relationship is sharing our darker feelings with a partner and lightening our loads. (And yes, we all have them!) You don’t mention how long you’ve been dating your boyfriend, but I am going to assume that you would not be moving in together, as adults, unless you were serious about each other.So, I suggest postponing your joint visit to your parents’ home until you can talk candidly with your boyfriend about the challenges you faced growing up — and the work you’ve done to overcome them. I know that may be a scary prospect! And you may need to go back to your therapist for help with that conversation. But I promise you that if this guy is the right guy, then sharing your vulnerabilities with him will only invite him to do the same — and deepen your relationship.Miguel PorlanWhen Siblings Say You’re Going Too FarMy sister and her fiancé have planned a destination wedding that is out of reach financially for some of our siblings. She is marrying into a wealthy family, so all of the groom’s siblings will be there. I can afford to go, but I want to refuse in solidarity with my siblings who can’t. I also feel as if I’m being coerced into a four-day vacation that isn’t my style. Still, this is my sister’s wedding, and the R.S.V.P.s are due soon. Help!We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

A reader seeks advice on how to contend with the possibility of a future encounter with her ex after an explosive and painful breakup.My ex and I broke up six months ago. It ended very badly, with lots of volatility and rage. I was so distressed by the experience that I went to therapy for the first time. It’s been helpful to recognize how much I internalized my ex’s criticisms of me. I hadn’t seen him since our breakup — until yesterday. I was sitting in my therapist’s waiting room, and he walked in with a woman who I assume is his new girlfriend. I pretended not to see him, and he walked out as soon as he saw me. The experience was alarming and mortifying: Not only has he moved on so quickly, but he’s already in couples therapy! My question: How do I avoid these run-ins in the future? I probably don’t have the right to ask him not to come to therapy during my time slot, but it’s the only time I could arrange.EX-GIRLFRIENDBefore we get to the uncomfortable waiting room, let’s review all the progress you’ve made: After a terrible breakup, you recognized that you needed help, and you went out and got it. You are exploring the ways in which your ex made you feel bad about yourself, and you and your therapist are probably working on strategies to prevent that from happening again. You’re killing it!Now, that doesn’t mean there won’t be occasional backsliding. And running into your ex for the first time after a bad breakup is virtually guaranteed to cause one. Still, you show maturity in recognizing that it’s not reasonable to tell your ex that he can’t sit in the same waiting room as you. (In fact, it’s probably good that he’s getting therapy, right?)Best of all: You have a therapist in place to help you with this issue. I would consider briefly acknowledging your ex — with a nod or a wave — and then returning to your phone or magazine. This may help you normalize sitting in the same space with him. My concern: Try not to make too much of his presence there. The fact that he has a new girlfriend — if she’s his new girlfriend — says nothing about you. Keep the focus on yourself, OK?Miguel PorlanBefore Bringing in the Pros, a Child Care Trial RunMy partner and I have an infant. I earn significantly more money than he does, and my job is more time-intensive. We both work from home. During my maternity leave, I did most of the child care. My partner thinks he will be able to pick up those duties when I return to work, but I’m afraid he won’t be up to it. I also want to set boundaries that allow me to keep working even though I am just steps away from the baby. I’ve suggested a sitter or day care, but he’s concerned about the cost. How can I talk about this without making him feel that he’s not up to the job?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

A reader is struggling to forgive a fabricated excuse that involves a terminal cancer patient’s turn for the worse.My friend of many years, who is an alcoholic in denial, lies to cancel social commitments with me. I am trying to maintain our friendship because I care about her, but the excuse she gave me for her most recent cancellation is beyond the pale: She claimed that her brother, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer, had taken a turn for the worse, and that she just wanted “to stay home and cry.” When I checked the story with one of her siblings, though, it turned out his condition hadn’t worsened. I am really upset that she fabricated this excuse. I am close to her brother. Is this a deal breaker for our friendship?FRIENDI completely understand your distress. It feels terrible to be lied to by friends. And if your old friend had written to me, I would tell her as much. But she didn’t write — you did. So, I am going to give you some advice, and I hope you take it in the helpful spirit in which it is intended, because frankly, your letter struck me differently than you probably intended it to.Friends don’t malign each other gratuitously. Yet you introduce your friend as “an alcoholic in denial.” Respectfully, only mental health professionals, in consultation with their patients, are qualified to diagnose drinking problems. And as far as I can tell, her drinking is unrelated to your question. Still, it suggests that you are judgmental of your friend. Not my first choice in a dinner companion!The crux of your complaint, though, is that she lied to you about her sick brother’s condition. That was a lousy thing to do! But if your friend feels overwhelmed (about her brother or anything else) and asks to cancel a plan, that seems like a legitimate request to me. Now, you can certainly tell her you prefer truthful excuses. And she may have burned through your generosity by now. But sitting in judgment of your friend is the last thing either of you needs.Miguel PorlanMinivans or Museums? Let’s Get Married First.Our 27-year-old son got engaged recently and plans to marry next year. We are thrilled for the couple! They currently live in a small rental apartment in Manhattan. Our son tells us it’s very important for him to raise his future children in the suburbs, but his fiancée is equivocating: She was raised in the city and loves it there. As parents, should we press our son to resolve this issue before they marry or let it play out?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

A reader smells hypocrisy in his co-workers’ proclamations of mourning and wants no part of it. Is he obligated to attend her funeral if his heart isn’t in it?A high-ranking colleague at work died recently. It was unexpected; she was in her 50s. Dozens of people in the organization, including the C.E.O., are heaping praise on her and saying how badly she will be missed. We’ve all been asked to contribute to a sympathy gift for her family and to attend her funeral. The problem? She was a dreadful colleague: an arrogant, narcissistic bully who belittled everyone in the organization, including me. Nobody wanted to work on her projects. I can’t understand the outpouring of love for her now that she’s gone, and I refuse to be a part of it. Must I contribute to her memorial gift and attend her funeral?CO-WORKERI suspect that in your haste to call out what you see as the hypocrisy of valorizing an unpleasant colleague, you’ve made two big errors in judgment. The lesser of them is assuming that your opinions about this woman are objective fact. You are entitled to hold her in low esteem, of course, but I am virtually certain that not “everyone” found her bullying or that “nobody” wanted to work with her. That’s simply not how life — or opinion — operates.More concerning, though, is your inability to sympathize with the grief of your colleague’s family and friends. I get that she hurt your feelings, but you must be able to see that she was also a human being and that her death will be heartbreaking for those who cared about her. My hunch is that you didn’t give this enough thought before landing on your harsh judgment, and I’m hoping you will consider it further now.This does not require that you become a member of her admiration society. Nor do you have to attend her funeral or donate to a memorial gift. Those are personal decisions, and there is no reason to give in to peer pressure. My only request is that you try to open your heart and take a more generous view of your colleague’s life and her untimely death.Miguel PorlanHost the Thanksgiving You WantMy husband and I want to invite my cousin and his wife to a small Thanksgiving dinner at our house. But I feel obligated to include my brother and his family, too. His teenage son is intolerable, and his wife is a bump on a log. There are other children, too, so when they come, it’s a big group. We’ve had them over many times before, and they lack common courtesy. My brother tries to moderate their behavior to little effect. Still, he would be hurt not to be invited. Last year, we felt so bad about excluding them that we didn’t celebrate at home. Is it possible not to invite them without hurt feelings?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

A 20-something woman who lives with her parents has incurred their disappointment by continuing an affair with her former boss. Since she won’t end things, should they tell the man’s wife?Our daughter (early 20s) is having an affair with her former boss at a fast-food restaurant. He is married, and his wife discovered the affair by seeing texts on her husband’s phone. We discovered it by noticing a big increase in data usage on our phone bill. (They text each other incessantly!) We asked our daughter to stop working at the restaurant, and we believed that the affair had ended and that husband and wife were trying to work things out. Recently, though, I became suspicious and saw on our daughter’s phone that the affair was ongoing. We told her we were disappointed in her, but she refuses to end things. She lives at home and drives our car, and we are fuming. We are tempted to tell this man’s wife about the affair, but we don’t want to crash our daughter’s life worse than she’s doing herself. Thoughts?FATHERYour daughter may always be your baby, but she is no longer a child — though she is still quite young. You don’t mention how old her married lover is, but I didn’t detect any concern in your letter that he had manipulated her into a sexual relationship. So, as long as that’s the case, I sympathize with your distress, but I don’t believe you should make any ultimatums or tell the man’s wife about the affair.I suspect, too, that framing your conversation with your daughter around your disappointment in her — a common parental ploy for inducing compliance through guilt — is probably less effective than talking to her directly about the people she is harming with her behavior: notably the husband’s wife, and probably herself. These affairs tend not to end well.But that leads to my central point: Sometimes, we learn only from our mistakes. If your daughter is not yet able to grasp that it is profoundly unwise to attach herself romantically to a person who is betraying a current partner, as her lover is, then she may have to learn that lesson the hard way. Monitoring her phone or taking away the car keys is beside the point. You will simply have to wait.Miguel PorlanEager to Make the Jump From Cards to HugsMy ex-husband’s daughter is 40 and lives 2,000 miles away. Her father and I divorced many years ago. She is a busy mother and wife, but she always sends me cards on special occasions. She writes that she loves and admires me, and I do the same. But when she visits her father nearby, I discover it only after the fact. Recently, she and her family visited for a week, posting about all their fun outings — to which I was not invited. Again. So hurtful! Her behavior tells me I am not a priority. Even so, she is my children’s half sister, and I adore her. Should I express my hurt to her, complain to her father (with whom I am on good terms) or just accept her unkind behavior?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

A reader is concerned that a new beau’s frequent references to jumping ship in past relationships may be laying the groundwork for him to do it with her.I have been dating a new guy, 40, for four months. So far, we really like each other. Not infrequently, though, he drops little warnings about his behavior in past relationships: He acknowledges a pattern of dropping women after he gets them to like him, for instance, and ending relationships because he feels trapped. His own father asked him if he had “messed up” our relationship yet. On the one hand, I’m glad we’re able to have these conversations, but on the other, I’m worried about moving forward with someone who has these patterns of behavior. Help!ANXIOUS GIRLFRIENDHard truth: Just because your boyfriend owns up to his bad behavior in prior relationships doesn’t mean he is going to do any better with you. It is infinitely easier to identify patterns of crummy behavior than it is to change them. He may simply be insulating himself against your anger when he eventually pulls the same stunts with you. (“I told you what I’m like!”)Still, there is no reason to conduct your love life based on my hunches. The next time your boyfriend refers to his history of falling short with women, ask him directly: “So, what’s your plan for a different outcome with me?” If he has one, be all ears! In my 30s, I worked really hard with a therapist to stop sabotaging my romantic relationships. Your boyfriend may be working on his issues, too.But if he is simply repeating the same old moves, there isn’t much reason to hope for a better result here. In your position, I would talk to him about this, not wait around anxiously. Part of your job in a relationship is to look out for yourself, and this guy clearly has some remedial work to do before he is relationship-ready. You may as well ask him if he’s doing it.Miguel PorlanKeeping Travel Headaches in PerspectiveMy friend and I are scheduled to leave in two weeks for a vacation in Asia. We booked it with a company that plans adventure travel for small groups. I’ve gone on many trips with them, on my own and with friends, and I’ve enjoyed them. The problem: My friend’s father died three weeks ago. I’ve texted her and sent a condolence card, but I haven’t heard back. I’m worried that she may not want to go on this trip, and while I want to give her space, I need to know. Full disclosure: She canceled on me at the last minute before a trip 10 years ago. So, I’m feeling especially annoyed that I deferred to her on issues like leaving from an inconvenient airport, and travel dates. Advice?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More