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    Our Daughter Expects Child Care Even When Her Toddler Is Sick. Help!

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    A reader who has already contracted colds and the flu from her 18-month-old grandchild is flustered by her daughter’s indifference to her health concerns.My husband and I, in our 70s, provide child care for our 18-month-old granddaughter. She spends two days a week with us and three days in day care. She is frequently sick, and we have contracted R.S.V., colds and the flu from her. When I suggested to my daughter that she keep our grandchild at home on the worst days, she replied that my germophobic anxiety was causing her anxiety and that she would use the day care full time. (She also said I needed professional help.) The issue: My husband is devastated! He wants to care for our granddaughter whether she is sick or not. But if he gets sick, I will, too. I mask, but I am still exposed. So I am reluctant to make plans with friends, and I cancel others, for fear of infecting people. Meanwhile, my daughter accuses me of rejecting her “gift” of spending time with our granddaughter. Help!GRANDMOTHERI’m sorry that your daughter spoke to you so unkindly — while you are doing her a favor, no less! I sympathize with her need for reliable child care, which is often difficult to find and expensive. But providing it is not your responsibility. You have already raised your children. If you and your husband want to pitch in, wonderful! But it is also reasonable for you to discuss your boundaries: Who will take care of the child when she is sick or infectious?Even if your daughter moves her child to day care full time, there is still the question of sending her when she is sick. Contagious children are not generally welcome. And framing your sensible concern for your health as hypochondriacal — while she casts her own need for child care as a gift — seems manipulative.So on to a possible solution: Your husband wants to care for your grandchild regardless of her health. Perhaps on days when she is ill, he can watch her at your daughter’s house. He should mask and wash his hands frequently. And if he is rigorous about this protocol, he may be able to pull it off without becoming ill or infecting you. If he can’t, child care experiment over!Miguel PorlanLeft Out in the Cold by a Seating PolicyFor my partner’s birthday, I took her to the hippest restaurant in our city. Its website says that reservations are not accepted and that first come first served is a fair experience for everyone. So, we waited in the cold for 30 minutes. When we were next in line, we watched the staff push together several tables and even move an already seated couple to accommodate a party of six that was behind us in line. The host then told us that there would be no room for us that evening. Did the restaurant do us dirty?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      My Mother-in-Law Wants to Be in the Delivery Room With Me. Help!

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      A reader asks for help setting boundaries with her husband’s mother, who has floated the idea of a lengthy stay with the couple after the arrival of their firstborn.My husband and I are expecting our first child this year, and our parents will become first-time grandparents. As much as I love my mother-in-law, she can be controlling — even from 500 miles away. Recently, she told us that she wants to visit us monthly until the baby arrives and to stay with us for two weeks after the baby is born. Later, I heard that she told my husband and others that she wants to be in the delivery room! I know that this is all coming from a good place, but it feels overwhelming. I would prefer less frequent visits. My husband and I work full time, and our weekends are packed with baby planning. After the baby is born, we want time alone to bond as a new family. How can I politely set boundaries with my mother-in-law?WIFEBe careful not to become your mother-in-law. In my experience, so-called controlling people are sometimes shoved into that position. Consider your husband, for instance: He seems to be mostly absent from your strategizing. Is that because you are trying to control the relationship with his mother or because you can’t count on him to step up and speak to her himself? If he hasn’t spoken to her yet, why hasn’t he?Don’t get me wrong: Your mother-in-law sounds like a challenging figure, and her plans for the coming months seem daunting. Still, it is not your job to shoulder all the emotional labor in your marriage. Too often, that interpersonal work falls to women. So I am going to suggest that your husband communicate your joint decisions about visits with his family.What’s more, his decades of experience with his mother presumably make him better qualified than you to express your family’s needs to her. If he wants help, I’m here for him! (I bet you are, too.) I expect your whole family is feeling exuberant about the birth of your child — which is all the more reason for you and your husband to share the load of discussing your desires and boundaries with them.Miguel PorlanValue Your Friend? Then Value His Skills.Over 12 years, my husband and I have become friends with his personal trainer. We have entertained him and his partner, a retired makeup artist, frequently. Recently, we asked his partner to do a makeup session for my daughter and a couple of our friends. He did and took some photos. (I served an elaborate lunch.) Unfortunately, one of my friends was unable to attend. So I emailed him to arrange another session for her. He asked if he should provide his services for free again or if he could charge his discounted rate. I told him I didn’t expect anything for free. So he sent me a bill for the second session, which I paid. Was I wrong to expect that it would be free?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      I Found Pornography on My Husband’s Computer. I’m Furious!

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      A wife feels disgusted and betrayed after discovering a lurid image of another woman on her husband’s computer screen, and worries that he may have permanently damaged their relationship.When I went down to our basement yesterday, my husband’s computer was on. I went to turn it off and saw a naked woman with large breasts on the screen. It took me a moment to realize: This is porn. I feel so wronged! Why wasn’t he more discreet? I am usually receptive to sex with him, but I feel as if he has poked a hole in the bubble of our intimacy. I am tempted to find a picture of a well-endowed porn star to leave on his computer. He says he’s embarrassed. He should be! My cousin told me that all men look at porn, but I feel disgusted and diminished as insufficiently buxom. Why are men such self-indulgent pigs? Is watching porn a slippery slope to cheating?WIFELet’s acknowledge that you are really upset now — and that it’s healthy for you to express your anger. Be careful, though, not to let a rant become your reality: Your letter is brimming with unhelpful generalizations — that men are pigs, for instance — and logical inconsistencies. (If looking at porn is wrong, how would it have been better for your husband to have done so more discreetly?) I hope that you will feel less distraught soon and open to considering productive next steps.It is vitally important for couples to negotiate the ground rules of their relationship — even, and especially, for issues that are uncomfortable to discuss. Yet, it seems as if you and your husband have never talked about pornography. Our culture is drenched in it, and many happily married people I know look at it. Now that you know your husband does, too, it would be better to discuss the issue directly than to shame him or to upload images of porn stars onto his computer.Your sustained outrage will probably chill an important conversation about fantasy and monogamy — hello, romance novels! — and the possibility that looking at naked images of other people has no bearing on your husband’s fidelity or desire for you. It is not my place to dictate an agreement between you, but I recommend that you hash this out with him. If you need help facilitating that discussion, find a couples therapist soon.Miguel PorlanMy Glass, My BusinessI have decided to stop drinking for a while. My Dry January revealed that I’m not loving my relationship with alcohol these days. The problem: Since I stopped drinking, I’ve had to field uncomfortable questions when I socialize. When I say I’m not drinking, people ask me if I’m pregnant or an alcoholic, or wonder why I don’t want to drink. Any tips?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Why Doesn’t My Son’s Adviser Understand That Boys Will Be Boys?

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      A father objects to his son’s punishment after a rowdy “tickle fight” in a darkened room, but an adviser isn’t budging on the decision to bar the boy from a future activity.In December, my son attended a religious retreat away from home. When some of the high school boys were in a room alone with girls, the boys got overexcited, turned off the lights and yelled “Tickle fight!” One of the girls was touched on the shoulder, but nothing remotely sexual happened. The adviser to the group has barred the boys involved from the next retreat. But I think it’s important for them to attend and discuss what happened rather than suffer an exclusionary punishment. Excluding the boys will only make things worse for the girl: Everyone knows she is the reason the boys won’t be there. I think it would be better to have the girl explain to the boys (with adult support) why their behavior was wrong. But I can’t convince the adviser. Thoughts?DADI think your love for your son is impeding your judgment. When children are at home, their parents are the arbiters of appropriate discipline. But when they go off with youth groups, for instance, those organizations assume responsibility for the welfare of all attendees. My first job was as a teacher at a Swiss boarding school. And chaperoning mixed groups of teenagers overnight was the worst: I was often the lone adult charged with preventing a dozen wily students from drinking, having sex or sneaking off at night.So, if the retreat organizer has decided to exclude the boys who made trouble on the last trip to send a strong message about inappropriate behavior (or because of limited resources for supervision), I find that reasonable. And I disagree with much of your position: You fail to acknowledge that the episode may have been frightening for some girls, even if nothing sexual happened. You are incorrect in stating that the girl is “the reason” for the boys’ punishment; the boys’ behavior is. And no girl is responsible for explaining to teenage boys why unwanted touching is wrong. That is your job!It sounds as if you have already made your pitch to the organization and it was rejected. So, rather than clinging to a minimizing “boys will be boys” argument, I suggest that you sit your son down to discuss the contours of appropriate behavior and the seriousness of unwanted touching.Miguel PorlanBefore ‘I Do,’ Try ‘I’ll Allow It’My partner and I plan to be married soon. I am child-free; he has five children from his previous marriage. He is close with all of them and has several grandchildren, ranging in age from 6 months to 21 years old. Both of my previous weddings were adult-only (17 and up), and I feel strongly about doing that again for our wedding and reception. But this would exclude some of my partner’s grandchildren, and he feels this would be insulting to his children. Advice?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Holiday Tipping Guide: Whom to Tip, and How Much

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      Consumers have said they are confused and frustrated with tipping expectations generally. But, one expert says, “people generally want to feel more generous around the holidays.”The tradition of holiday tips to thank service workers endures, even as Americans have gotten tired of the regular requests for tips the rest of the year.More people said they planned to tip workers like housekeepers, child care providers and trash collectors at the holidays this year than in previous years, according to a survey published this week by the financial website Bankrate, which began polling in 2021. A significant majority of those surveyed said they tipped “to say thank you.”“Holiday tipping has held its own,” said Ted Rossman, a senior industry analyst at the site, even though the typical amounts people expected to give were mostly flat with previous years. (The online survey of about 2,400 adults was conducted in late October and early November.)The subject of tipping has become more fraught in recent years. Surveys show that consumers are confused and frustrated with tipping expectations generally. That’s particularly true for the suggested amounts on payment screens that confront patrons of coffee shops, delivery services, food trucks and ride sharing companies. The Pew Research Center published a survey last year in which most Americans said that tipping was expected in more places than it was five years earlier. And a separate Bankrate survey last summer found that a third of those responding considered tipping culture in the United States to be “out of control.”Yet misgivings about tipping apparently carry an asterisk when it comes to the December holidays. “A lot of people are fed up with tipping, but it does seem the holidays are a special case,” Mr. Rossman said.Academic research backs that up — at least, when it comes to tipping in sit-down restaurants. Sit-down meals are one area where there is some agreement, the Pew survey found. More than nine of 10 respondents said they “often” or “always” left a tip in that setting.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      A Friend Saw My Daughter-in-Law Flirting With Another Man. What Should I Do?

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      A mother-in-law is unsure whether to say something to her son (or his wife) after hearing through the grapevine about an upsetting scene at a hotel bar.A friend of mine saw my daughter-in-law in a hotel bar with a man who is not my son. As my friend reported it, my daughter-in-law was dressed to the nines, draped all over the man and feeding him with her fingers. My friend walked over to her and asked, “Where are your husband and the kids?” My daughter-in-law answered calmly, and my friend walked away. This information is making me quite angry and sad. Do I tell my son about it, ask my daughter-in-law or keep it to myself?MOMLet’s start with the loving heart of your question: You feel protective of your son and want good things for him. Nothing wrong with that! Now, your friend’s account — though it may be totally accurate — strikes me as the stuff of romance novels: a steamy seduction in a hotel bar. But your daughter-in-law’s nonchalance with your friend tells a different story: Wouldn’t she be flustered if she were caught doing something wrong? Things aren’t adding up here!So, is your friend trustworthy? If you have doubts, put this matter on hold (for now). If not, and you want your son to know the story, report it to him in a more measured way. Be sure to tell him that you did not witness any of it personally. I would not talk to your daughter-in-law about this. Your relationship with her, even if it’s close, is based on her marriage — the intimate workings of which are none of your business.Now, I know that I am threading a dubious needle here: sanctioning meddlesome behavior for the sake of (possibly) mitigating harm. Your son and daughter-in-law may have an arrangement that could explain what your friend saw, and reporting the story may strain your relationship with the couple. Still, if you decide to speak up, try to put aside your own feelings. Your anger and sadness — which I sympathize with — are not the point here.Miguel PorlanNext Subject, PleaseI celebrate holidays with my mom’s side of the family. They live closer than my father’s side. But my maternal grandparents are extremely conservative; I am not. I would be fine keeping our views to ourselves, but they lecture me. This Thanksgiving, topics included why I should share their religious beliefs and why it’s inappropriate for me to wear short pants. How do I tell them I’m not OK with this?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      How Can I Show My Boyfriend My Parents’ Filthy Home?

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      A reader dreads the thought of her partner seeing her squalid childhood home, but being honest with her parents about her embarrassment is a nonstarter.I am in my late 30s and in a great relationship. We’ve decided to move in together when our separate apartment leases end. We are both very tidy. But I am a clean freak because I grew up in a chaotic, dirty home. It took me years of therapy and self-help to deal with this. My boyfriend is just the opposite: I’ve visited his parents in the beautiful home where he grew up. Now, I am panicked about taking him to visit my childhood home. My parents are dirty and messy. Think: grime and roaches and leaving open cans of cat food on the kitchen counter for days. Telling my parents that I don’t want to bring my boyfriend to visit because I’m embarrassed to bring anyone there would hurt their feelings — which I can’t do. And when I’ve gone home by myself to clean, it causes arguments with them. What should I do?DAUGHTERFirst, let me applaud you for doing the hard work that was required for you to live differently from the way you were raised. It sounds to me, though — and this is no criticism — that you have not worked through the shame you feel about your parents and your childhood. And I can tell you from experience that there is no magic pill for dealing with shame.Still, one of the great comforts of being in a loving relationship is sharing our darker feelings with a partner and lightening our loads. (And yes, we all have them!) You don’t mention how long you’ve been dating your boyfriend, but I am going to assume that you would not be moving in together, as adults, unless you were serious about each other.So, I suggest postponing your joint visit to your parents’ home until you can talk candidly with your boyfriend about the challenges you faced growing up — and the work you’ve done to overcome them. I know that may be a scary prospect! And you may need to go back to your therapist for help with that conversation. But I promise you that if this guy is the right guy, then sharing your vulnerabilities with him will only invite him to do the same — and deepen your relationship.Miguel PorlanWhen Siblings Say You’re Going Too FarMy sister and her fiancé have planned a destination wedding that is out of reach financially for some of our siblings. She is marrying into a wealthy family, so all of the groom’s siblings will be there. I can afford to go, but I want to refuse in solidarity with my siblings who can’t. I also feel as if I’m being coerced into a four-day vacation that isn’t my style. Still, this is my sister’s wedding, and the R.S.V.P.s are due soon. Help!We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      I Ran Into My Horrible Ex in My Therapist’s Waiting Room. Help!

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      A reader seeks advice on how to contend with the possibility of a future encounter with her ex after an explosive and painful breakup.My ex and I broke up six months ago. It ended very badly, with lots of volatility and rage. I was so distressed by the experience that I went to therapy for the first time. It’s been helpful to recognize how much I internalized my ex’s criticisms of me. I hadn’t seen him since our breakup — until yesterday. I was sitting in my therapist’s waiting room, and he walked in with a woman who I assume is his new girlfriend. I pretended not to see him, and he walked out as soon as he saw me. The experience was alarming and mortifying: Not only has he moved on so quickly, but he’s already in couples therapy! My question: How do I avoid these run-ins in the future? I probably don’t have the right to ask him not to come to therapy during my time slot, but it’s the only time I could arrange.EX-GIRLFRIENDBefore we get to the uncomfortable waiting room, let’s review all the progress you’ve made: After a terrible breakup, you recognized that you needed help, and you went out and got it. You are exploring the ways in which your ex made you feel bad about yourself, and you and your therapist are probably working on strategies to prevent that from happening again. You’re killing it!Now, that doesn’t mean there won’t be occasional backsliding. And running into your ex for the first time after a bad breakup is virtually guaranteed to cause one. Still, you show maturity in recognizing that it’s not reasonable to tell your ex that he can’t sit in the same waiting room as you. (In fact, it’s probably good that he’s getting therapy, right?)Best of all: You have a therapist in place to help you with this issue. I would consider briefly acknowledging your ex — with a nod or a wave — and then returning to your phone or magazine. This may help you normalize sitting in the same space with him. My concern: Try not to make too much of his presence there. The fact that he has a new girlfriend — if she’s his new girlfriend — says nothing about you. Keep the focus on yourself, OK?Miguel PorlanBefore Bringing in the Pros, a Child Care Trial RunMy partner and I have an infant. I earn significantly more money than he does, and my job is more time-intensive. We both work from home. During my maternity leave, I did most of the child care. My partner thinks he will be able to pick up those duties when I return to work, but I’m afraid he won’t be up to it. I also want to set boundaries that allow me to keep working even though I am just steps away from the baby. I’ve suggested a sitter or day care, but he’s concerned about the cost. How can I talk about this without making him feel that he’s not up to the job?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      A Friend Lied About Her Dying Brother to Cancel Plans With Me. Help!

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      A reader is struggling to forgive a fabricated excuse that involves a terminal cancer patient’s turn for the worse.My friend of many years, who is an alcoholic in denial, lies to cancel social commitments with me. I am trying to maintain our friendship because I care about her, but the excuse she gave me for her most recent cancellation is beyond the pale: She claimed that her brother, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer, had taken a turn for the worse, and that she just wanted “to stay home and cry.” When I checked the story with one of her siblings, though, it turned out his condition hadn’t worsened. I am really upset that she fabricated this excuse. I am close to her brother. Is this a deal breaker for our friendship?FRIENDI completely understand your distress. It feels terrible to be lied to by friends. And if your old friend had written to me, I would tell her as much. But she didn’t write — you did. So, I am going to give you some advice, and I hope you take it in the helpful spirit in which it is intended, because frankly, your letter struck me differently than you probably intended it to.Friends don’t malign each other gratuitously. Yet you introduce your friend as “an alcoholic in denial.” Respectfully, only mental health professionals, in consultation with their patients, are qualified to diagnose drinking problems. And as far as I can tell, her drinking is unrelated to your question. Still, it suggests that you are judgmental of your friend. Not my first choice in a dinner companion!The crux of your complaint, though, is that she lied to you about her sick brother’s condition. That was a lousy thing to do! But if your friend feels overwhelmed (about her brother or anything else) and asks to cancel a plan, that seems like a legitimate request to me. Now, you can certainly tell her you prefer truthful excuses. And she may have burned through your generosity by now. But sitting in judgment of your friend is the last thing either of you needs.Miguel PorlanMinivans or Museums? Let’s Get Married First.Our 27-year-old son got engaged recently and plans to marry next year. We are thrilled for the couple! They currently live in a small rental apartment in Manhattan. Our son tells us it’s very important for him to raise his future children in the suburbs, but his fiancée is equivocating: She was raised in the city and loves it there. As parents, should we press our son to resolve this issue before they marry or let it play out?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More