Customs, Etiquette and Manners

A reader smells hypocrisy in his co-workers’ proclamations of mourning and wants no part of it. Is he obligated to attend her funeral if his heart isn’t in it?A high-ranking colleague at work died recently. It was unexpected; she was in her 50s. Dozens of people in the organization, including the C.E.O., are heaping praise on her and saying how badly she will be missed. We’ve all been asked to contribute to a sympathy gift for her family and to attend her funeral. The problem? She was a dreadful colleague: an arrogant, narcissistic bully who belittled everyone in the organization, including me. Nobody wanted to work on her projects. I can’t understand the outpouring of love for her now that she’s gone, and I refuse to be a part of it. Must I contribute to her memorial gift and attend her funeral?CO-WORKERI suspect that in your haste to call out what you see as the hypocrisy of valorizing an unpleasant colleague, you’ve made two big errors in judgment. The lesser of them is assuming that your opinions about this woman are objective fact. You are entitled to hold her in low esteem, of course, but I am virtually certain that not “everyone” found her bullying or that “nobody” wanted to work with her. That’s simply not how life — or opinion — operates.More concerning, though, is your inability to sympathize with the grief of your colleague’s family and friends. I get that she hurt your feelings, but you must be able to see that she was also a human being and that her death will be heartbreaking for those who cared about her. My hunch is that you didn’t give this enough thought before landing on your harsh judgment, and I’m hoping you will consider it further now.This does not require that you become a member of her admiration society. Nor do you have to attend her funeral or donate to a memorial gift. Those are personal decisions, and there is no reason to give in to peer pressure. My only request is that you try to open your heart and take a more generous view of your colleague’s life and her untimely death.Miguel PorlanHost the Thanksgiving You WantMy husband and I want to invite my cousin and his wife to a small Thanksgiving dinner at our house. But I feel obligated to include my brother and his family, too. His teenage son is intolerable, and his wife is a bump on a log. There are other children, too, so when they come, it’s a big group. We’ve had them over many times before, and they lack common courtesy. My brother tries to moderate their behavior to little effect. Still, he would be hurt not to be invited. Last year, we felt so bad about excluding them that we didn’t celebrate at home. Is it possible not to invite them without hurt feelings?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

A 20-something woman who lives with her parents has incurred their disappointment by continuing an affair with her former boss. Since she won’t end things, should they tell the man’s wife?Our daughter (early 20s) is having an affair with her former boss at a fast-food restaurant. He is married, and his wife discovered the affair by seeing texts on her husband’s phone. We discovered it by noticing a big increase in data usage on our phone bill. (They text each other incessantly!) We asked our daughter to stop working at the restaurant, and we believed that the affair had ended and that husband and wife were trying to work things out. Recently, though, I became suspicious and saw on our daughter’s phone that the affair was ongoing. We told her we were disappointed in her, but she refuses to end things. She lives at home and drives our car, and we are fuming. We are tempted to tell this man’s wife about the affair, but we don’t want to crash our daughter’s life worse than she’s doing herself. Thoughts?FATHERYour daughter may always be your baby, but she is no longer a child — though she is still quite young. You don’t mention how old her married lover is, but I didn’t detect any concern in your letter that he had manipulated her into a sexual relationship. So, as long as that’s the case, I sympathize with your distress, but I don’t believe you should make any ultimatums or tell the man’s wife about the affair.I suspect, too, that framing your conversation with your daughter around your disappointment in her — a common parental ploy for inducing compliance through guilt — is probably less effective than talking to her directly about the people she is harming with her behavior: notably the husband’s wife, and probably herself. These affairs tend not to end well.But that leads to my central point: Sometimes, we learn only from our mistakes. If your daughter is not yet able to grasp that it is profoundly unwise to attach herself romantically to a person who is betraying a current partner, as her lover is, then she may have to learn that lesson the hard way. Monitoring her phone or taking away the car keys is beside the point. You will simply have to wait.Miguel PorlanEager to Make the Jump From Cards to HugsMy ex-husband’s daughter is 40 and lives 2,000 miles away. Her father and I divorced many years ago. She is a busy mother and wife, but she always sends me cards on special occasions. She writes that she loves and admires me, and I do the same. But when she visits her father nearby, I discover it only after the fact. Recently, she and her family visited for a week, posting about all their fun outings — to which I was not invited. Again. So hurtful! Her behavior tells me I am not a priority. Even so, she is my children’s half sister, and I adore her. Should I express my hurt to her, complain to her father (with whom I am on good terms) or just accept her unkind behavior?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

A reader is concerned that a new beau’s frequent references to jumping ship in past relationships may be laying the groundwork for him to do it with her.I have been dating a new guy, 40, for four months. So far, we really like each other. Not infrequently, though, he drops little warnings about his behavior in past relationships: He acknowledges a pattern of dropping women after he gets them to like him, for instance, and ending relationships because he feels trapped. His own father asked him if he had “messed up” our relationship yet. On the one hand, I’m glad we’re able to have these conversations, but on the other, I’m worried about moving forward with someone who has these patterns of behavior. Help!ANXIOUS GIRLFRIENDHard truth: Just because your boyfriend owns up to his bad behavior in prior relationships doesn’t mean he is going to do any better with you. It is infinitely easier to identify patterns of crummy behavior than it is to change them. He may simply be insulating himself against your anger when he eventually pulls the same stunts with you. (“I told you what I’m like!”)Still, there is no reason to conduct your love life based on my hunches. The next time your boyfriend refers to his history of falling short with women, ask him directly: “So, what’s your plan for a different outcome with me?” If he has one, be all ears! In my 30s, I worked really hard with a therapist to stop sabotaging my romantic relationships. Your boyfriend may be working on his issues, too.But if he is simply repeating the same old moves, there isn’t much reason to hope for a better result here. In your position, I would talk to him about this, not wait around anxiously. Part of your job in a relationship is to look out for yourself, and this guy clearly has some remedial work to do before he is relationship-ready. You may as well ask him if he’s doing it.Miguel PorlanKeeping Travel Headaches in PerspectiveMy friend and I are scheduled to leave in two weeks for a vacation in Asia. We booked it with a company that plans adventure travel for small groups. I’ve gone on many trips with them, on my own and with friends, and I’ve enjoyed them. The problem: My friend’s father died three weeks ago. I’ve texted her and sent a condolence card, but I haven’t heard back. I’m worried that she may not want to go on this trip, and while I want to give her space, I need to know. Full disclosure: She canceled on me at the last minute before a trip 10 years ago. So, I’m feeling especially annoyed that I deferred to her on issues like leaving from an inconvenient airport, and travel dates. Advice?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

A reader was shocked and infuriated when she wasn’t consulted before her 10-year-old was given a melatonin supplement at a sleepover.My 10-year-old daughter attended a sleepover recently. It was hosted by a family we have known and trusted for eight years. I consider the mother a personal friend — not just the mom of my daughter’s friend. So, I was alarmed and, frankly, furious when my daughter told me that the mother had distributed melatonin gummies to every girl at the sleepover. I think it’s dangerous to give medication or supplements to other people’s children. I have already talked to my daughter about what she should do if she’s offered medicine when I’m not around. But how should I handle my friend’s major breach of trust? Should I confront her or just move on knowing that I can no longer trust her?SHOCKED MOMThere is no question that your friend made an error in judgment when she gave your child melatonin without your permission. But the only way this story makes sense to me is if your trusted friend believed that the gummies — a version of the hormone our bodies produce naturally when it’s time to sleep — were harmless. They are sold over the counter, after all, and short-term use by children your daughter’s age is generally considered safe.Now, that doesn’t erase your friend’s error, but it suggests a more benign explanation: misunderstanding, not betrayal. And it makes your sustained reaction — shock, alarm, fury — seem a little over-the-top. You don’t mention anyone suffering ill effects from the gummies. Yet calmly discussing the episode with your good friend and sharing your expectations for the future doesn’t appear on your menu of possible responses. (And no, a confrontation is not a discussion.) Talk to her nicely!We all make mistakes, mothers included. It would also be wise to verify the account of a 10-year-old child. You are absolutely entitled to your honest feelings, even your strong ones. But now I urge you to put this episode in perspective before you damage a long friendship or decide to abandon it.Miguel PorlanYou Can Hold the ‘Milady’ and Still Hold the DoorI have a great boss, the best of my career. She reports to a woman I also respect and admire. The issue: As a man, how do I mind my manners with these women (opening doors for them, for instance, or helping with their luggage) without treating them like damsels in distress? It seems as if I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

A reader is angered by friends who list their homes with other real estate brokers — sometimes without giving his husband a chance to make his case.My husband is an experienced Realtor. Like many, he has stories of friends who choose not to use him in their real estate transactions. Their excuse is usually that they don’t want to mix business with friendship. (This suggests to me that they don’t believe the friendship is strong enough to weather the experience or that my husband isn’t professional enough to provide top-notch service.) He has lost friends who promised to use him and then didn’t — and others who didn’t even give him a chance to make his case. They have caused him personal and financial pain. One good friend listed her home recently without even telling him. My husband is a sensitive soul, and it angers me to see him hurt by thoughtless friends. Advice?HUSBANDFeeling protective of our loved ones is a great quality — until it tips into one-sidedness. Here, I applaud your sensitivity to your husband’s distress, but you don’t seem to acknowledge the larger context: For most of us, buying or selling a home is the biggest transaction of our lives, and choosing a real estate agent who we believe will create the best outcome for us ranks higher than giving a buddy a job.Now, we real estate civilians may be mistaken in our assessment of the best broker for the job. (It’s still our call, though!) And I have had both good and horrendous experiences speaking to broker friends after I decided not to hire them. So, I understand the difficulty on both sides.My advice: Try to identify less with your husband and be more supportive of him. Rather than becoming outraged on his behalf, it would probably be more useful to help him manage his hurt feelings — which are understandable. Let him vent, then remind him that friends are making high-stakes decisions with imperfect information. It will serve him better, personally and professionally, to wish these friends well than to sever ties with them. Remember: There may be several transactions in a lifetime!Miguel PorlanWhat We Owe Our AnimalsLike many, my life was turned upside-down by the pandemic. I was living in New York but moved back to Seattle to take care of my mother. (My father had just died.) We adopted a dog that I hoped would become her new companion. I told her I would stay for a year to help raise the puppy, but I stayed for four. Now, I have an opportunity to move back to New York, but I can’t take the dog with me. The problem: My mother isn’t as bonded to the dog as I am. I thought we were getting it for her, but whenever I mention leaving, she says: “What will I do with the dog?” Thoughts?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More