Customs, Etiquette and Manners

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      Why Won’t Our Daughter Introduce Us to Her New Boyfriend?

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      Parents who enjoy an otherwise close relationship with their 33-year-old daughter feel hurt not to have been introduced to a man she met three months ago and with whom she now lives.Our only child is 33 and unmarried. We have a good relationship with her. She lives 30 minutes away from us, and we see her frequently. She met a man three months ago, and he has now moved in with her. The problem: We would love to meet him and become part of their lives together, but she says she is not ready to introduce us yet. We have tried to set up various opportunities to meet him, but she refuses. She says it’s not him, it’s her. She wants the encounter to be “perfect” and is anxious that it won’t be. I feel hurt! We try to avoid talking about him, but he soon becomes the elephant in the room. She says she’s an adult, and it’s her decision. Should we respect her privacy? She seems happy.PARENTSMy guess here — based on a thousand years of watching parents and children at odds — is that your daughter sets great store by your opinion, and she may feel that you have been critical of her in the past. This doesn’t mean you have a bad relationship, but it may account for her delaying the moment of inevitable judgment when you meet the boyfriend. Or she may be uncertain of the new relationship herself and not want to hear your opinions about it yet.I may be wrong, of course, but even so, the smarter move here would be to reframe your question. Not: “How can I strong-arm an introduction from my daughter?” But instead: “How can I support her choices and happiness?” I recommend trying to make her feel safer. Because at the ripe old age of 33, she doesn’t need your permission to date anyone.So, turn down the heat; there is no elephant here! The next time you see her, say: “Honey, introduce us to your boyfriend whenever you feel comfortable. No pressure!” You may also advance your cause by being upbeat and nonjudgmental about other areas of her life — not that you aren’t already. (Just be careful about unnecessary criticism.)Miguel PorlanThanks for Having Me! Sorry in Advance for the Yelp Review.I was at a small dinner party where the hostess served a first course that I despise: cold cucumber soup. I thought I might gag on it. A friend suggested that the hostess should have offered me something else when the issue became obvious. I didn’t think fast enough to claim a food allergy. I felt bad, but what to do?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Why Can’t My Friend Accept That My Disabled Son Has a Great Life?

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      Put off by pitying displays of concern for her son’s paralysis, a reader wonders how to handle a well-meaning friend whose support misses the mark.Our son was partly paralyzed in a sporting accident as a teenager. Now, years later, he lives a full life — with friends, a job, sports and lots of fun. Still, when we socialize with a certain friend, our son’s disability is her main concern: We get sad eyes, soft touches and pronouncements about how brave we are. I know she means to be supportive, but it makes me uncomfortable. When I respond that his paralysis is not as problematic as she thinks, she goes on and on about how inspirational he is. Sometimes, it casts a pall over the room. Obviously, I am not uncaring about my son’s situation, but he is more than his legs. How should I handle this?MOTHERI think there may be two issues here: Your friend’s well-intentioned compassion — which you kindly acknowledge — seems to have tipped into pity. That would make many of us bristle. Pity carries a whiff of superiority. And I second your objection to your friend’s (implicit) judgment that your son is somehow inferior because he’s paralyzed. He seems to be living a full and happy life!Now, we can manage this first issue pretty easily. But the challenge comes — in my experience — because your friend may be frightened by your son’s disability: She brings it up endlessly because she can’t imagine how she would cope in your position. The prospect may unnerve her.So I would be direct but gentle with her. When you have some time alone with her, say: “You seem so focused on my son’s disability. We’ve all had years to process his accident. And look at what a fulfilling life he leads. You may want to consider why his disability strikes such a deep chord in you.” As you aptly put it, we are all more than our challenges.Miguel PorlanTable-Side Chat, or Tip-Gouging Enterprise?In restaurants recently, several waiters have delivered meals to our table and then proceeded to talk to us the whole time we were eating. In retrospect, I realize they shared — in great detail — their hard-luck stories. I wonder if they do this in hopes of getting bigger tips. I know times are tough, and I want to be sympathetic. But restaurant meals are treats, and we’d like to be left alone to enjoy them. Any advice? We don’t want to be rude.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Leap Day Wants Respect

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      Those born on Feb. 29 are trying to get some recognition for “a day that doesn’t exist.”The strangest non-holiday of the year is upon us.Leap day is a wrinkle in time that goes unmentioned on many wall and desk calendars. Those born on Feb. 29 may face problems when it comes to filling out forms or settling basic questions of identity.“People didn’t believe me that I was born on a day that didn’t exist,” said Raenell Dawn, who was born Feb. 29, 1960, describing her school years.In 1983, while working in retail, Ms. Dawn encountered a customer who was a fellow leap day baby. “I was so excited to meet him,” she said. Then came a moment of disappointment, when she learned that the man had no special feeling about his birthday.“He didn’t seem to care one leaping bit!” Ms. Dawn said. “It made me realize — I’ve got to find people that are born on this birthday, that are happy about it, that get it.”She started a club for “leapers” or “leaplings,” as she calls those born on Feb. 29. She recruited the first members via newspaper ads (it was the ’80s). Years later, she met Peter Brouwer, a leapling who had formed a similar club. They joined forces to create the Honor Society of Leap Day Babies.Ms. Dawn, who lives in Oregon, said she would like to see leap year and leap day given the dignity of uppercase treatment. To support her case, she cites Groundhog Day, which is capitalized in dictionaries and news publications.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      My Brother’s Ex-Wife Won’t Return a Family Heirloom. Help!

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      A reader had hoped that her grandmother’s ring would stay in the family, perhaps to pass on to her daughter, but her former sister-in-law has so far refused to give it back.When my brother got engaged, he gave his fiancée — with my blessing — a ring that is a family heirloom. It belonged to our grandmother, who died before we were born. It didn’t occur to me that the ring was possibly leaving our family, which is what happened when they later divorced. My brother asked his ex-wife if she would return the ring, but she refused. I’ve tried to let this go: It’s just an object and not worth a lot of money, but I still harbor hard feelings. I was fond of my former sister-in-law; she was sweet to me and my kids. But we don’t have many things that belonged to my grandparents, and I’d rather give the ring to my daughter than let a stranger hang on to it. (My brother’s ex-wife doesn’t have children.) May I ask for it back?EX-SISTER-IN-LAWPerhaps the single greatest tool in conflict resolution is our imagination. Here, for instance, by picturing ourselves in your former sister-in-law’s place, we may cook up a compromise that works for everyone.I certainly understand your emotional attachment to a ring that belonged to your grandmother. It’s odd, though, that you don’t seem to acknowledge your former sister-in-law’s more direct relationship with it: It was her engagement ring. She may have worn it every day of her married life. And the ultimate dissolution of the marriage doesn’t change the fact that the ring may still symbolize the love and hope she once felt for your brother and their life together. (She is also its legal owner — and hardly a “stranger,” as you call her.)Now, it’s good that you are fond of your former sister-in-law. Go to her: Acknowledge her possible feelings about the ring, express your own — and ask if she would consider leaving it to your daughter in her will. This would respect everyone’s attachment to the heirloom. It’s also possible, of course, that I am being too rosy here, and your former sister-in-law is hanging on to the ring out of anger or hurt feelings — in which case, you may commiserate with her and offer to buy it back.Miguel PorlanGreat Story, but Maybe Hold the Demographics?Whenever a particular relative tells a story, she tends to mention people’s race, ethnicity or religion. “I met a wonderful Jewish man the other day,” for instance. Or “I had an Uber ride with the nicest Armenian woman.” When other people tell stories, a similar thing occurs: “Klein is a German name,” she’ll say. “Is she German?” Part of me believes this is just another piece of information to her; another part thinks it’s cringeworthy. Should I say something?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      My Oldest Friend Is Being Paroled From Prison. Can I Dump Her?

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      After supporting an old friend through years of incarceration with letters and shipments of books, a reader wants out, put off by the woman’s lies about her situation.My oldest friend — we met in nursery school and are now in our 60s — is about to be paroled from prison after six years. She pleaded guilty to manslaughter in the death of her sister and to charges of animal cruelty. (Two dogs were also killed.) When she is released, she will have to move in with her parents, not far from me. She still insists that the reports of the police investigation are “all lies.” But it’s clear to me that much of what was reported was true. While she was incarcerated, I wrote her letters and sent her books because I felt sorry for her situation. But now that she is being paroled, I can’t abide the pressure to accept her lies. Any advice on exiting this relationship without causing pain?FRIENDYou have no obligation to remain friends. One of the consequences of bad behavior is that others may choose to cut ties with us — even our oldest friends. Still, I find it hard to believe that the sympathy that fueled your letters and gifts while your friend was in prison has suddenly vanished now that her parole is imminent.If I am wrong, be straight with her. Tell her you no longer want to be in contact. If you are willing to go a bit farther, though, you may be well positioned to offer a great kindness: Explain that her failure to take responsibility for her actions — claiming the reports were “all lies,” for instance — has made your friendship untenable. Encourage her to be honest with herself and others. She may not change her story, but you will have offered a true path to redemption.Now, this approach may cause her pain — as any ending to your long friendship might. But it would seem more consistent with your loyalty during her incarceration than simply disappearing from her life. Still, it’s your decision. I urge you only to think about it.Miguel PorlanMay I Be Excused? I’m Having Trouble Breathing.On Thanksgiving, my family went to dinner at my sister-in-law’s house. As dinner began, our teenage daughter, who has asthma, became short of breath. I suspected it was triggered by house cats, so I took her outside and stayed with her to make sure she was OK. Eventually, I grabbed our plates from the table so we could eat outdoors. When we rejoined the party, our hostess was livid. So, I explained why we had eaten outdoors. She yelled at me and called me rude. I felt so uncomfortable that we left. She has since said she will never invite us to her home again. Was I rude?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Why Did My Birth Son Invite Me to a Wedding and Then Seat Me in Siberia?

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      Reunited with her son after half a century, a reader feels slighted by her seat at a family wedding, where her son’s wife had already made her feel less than welcome.I am a birth mother whose son found me seven years ago, when I was 70 and he was 49. I gave him up for adoption as an infant; his adoptive mother is deceased. He called me Mom from Day 1, and we felt an immediate heart connection. It has been a roller coaster of intense emotions. Unfortunately, his wife wrote me a letter saying she does not recognize me as his mother and wants nothing to do with me. Still, my son and I have developed a loving relationship over texts and phone calls. (We live 3,000 miles apart.) So, I was thrilled to be invited to his stepson’s wedding — though also nervous, given his wife’s letter. My son assured me I would be seated with his siblings, but I was placed at a distant table with his friend. I was also excluded from a family outing and the photos posted on Facebook. It felt like a punch to the heart. But my son doesn’t acknowledge any responsibility for my hurt. Did he gaslight me?BIRTH MOMI feel compassion for you and your birth son as you try to navigate a delicate reunion across 3,000 miles and five decades. I have no doubt that this wedding episode was painful for you (and possibly for him, too, if he had to haggle with his disapproving wife over your place at her son’s wedding). Still, I suspect that seating is not the central issue here.From my vantage — at a safe distance from the emotional roller coaster, as you call it — I see productive takeaways for both of you: Work on your relationship one on one, for now, and avoid engaging with people in each other’s lives who don’t support your reunion. I can’t imagine why his wife has taken such an unkind position toward you, but she has, and she is a major figure in his life.Adoption often brings up powerful feelings of abandonment and guilt. It may be helpful to arrange for some therapy for you and your son on video calls. I don’t minimize the “heart connection” you feel, but there may be other strong emotions at play, too. You should air all of them in the safety of your private relationship — or with the help of a counselor, if you like the idea.Miguel PorlanFuming That Her Treat Was Not Their TreatToday, my sister-in-law sent me a Venmo request for $19.18 for frozen yogurt that she and my brother offered to pick up for us when they picked up their own orders. They are wealthy, with expensive habits like designer sneakers, and they never offer to pay for anything when they come home because our parents are so generous. My partner and I routinely buy them presents when we visit them. This year, they didn’t even thank us for our holiday gifts. Am I unreasonable for being incensed about this Venmo request?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      My Brother-in-Law Gets Free Child Care From His Parents. Why Don’t We?

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      Frustrated that she and her partner live too far away from his parents to reap the benefits of free grandparental supervision, a reader wonders how to broach her feelings of being cheated.My partner’s parents have been financially dependent on him and his brother for 10 years. They are unable to work. Still, they have provided free child care for my brother-in-law’s two children for the past five years. Meanwhile, my partner has been paying half of his parents’ living expenses. I’ve stayed out of these arrangements; my partner and I keep our finances separate. But now that we have a baby of our own — and his parents live too far away to provide child care — I am resentful that my partner has been effectively subsidizing his brother’s child care rather than saving money for ours. I think his brother is taking advantage of us. My partner is very sensitive about this; he doesn’t think grandparents should be compensated for child care. How can I approach this subject without creating tension?SISTER-IN-LAWI would drop the issue. You are looking at it too narrowly. Your partner and his brother are probably paying their parents’ living expenses out of gratitude, or maybe a sense of duty, after a lifetime of love and support from them. Your desire for a ledger adjustment based solely on child care — an accounting that your partner doesn’t want, for money that isn’t yours — seems off base to me.You are absolutely entitled to your feelings, of course. But isn’t the point of separate finances with your partner to insulate you and him from objections like this? As long as he pays his agreed share of joint expenses, he has done his part. And you haven’t said that money is tight.In my experience, parents often provide different kinds of support to their children. My parents helped me pay for expensive schools, for instance, while they helped my brother buy a home. Other than this child care issue, we have no window on your partner’s family, and I see no upside in pressing your case. (On a related note: If you had offered to pay my mother to take care of her beloved grandchildren, she would have laughed in your face.)Miguel PorlanHopefully the Relaxation Lingers as Long as the Scent?My husband loves to have massages at home. He’s done it for years — long before I moved in. The problem: His massage therapist wears a heavy scent that bothers me and lingers in the house. When we asked her about it, she said, “I don’t wear perfume.” But something she uses has a strong scent. (It’s not massage oil.) More troubling, though, is my husband’s lack of concern. He has a less sensitive nose than I do and just keeps saying it’s “so weird” that the smell bothers me. Can you help?We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber?  More

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      How Could My Brother-in-Law’s Twin Abandon Him During Cancer Treatment?

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      After offering his brother lodging for his course of radiation therapy, the man informed him — with one day’s notice — that the invitation was contingent on an apology for a long-forgotten letter.My sister’s husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer last year. Along with his oncologist, he consulted frequently with his twin brother, who is a doctor. They decided he should have surgery, and then an eight-week course of specialized radiation that is available only at a handful of hospitals. His twin lives near one of them, and he invited my brother-in-law to stay with him and his wife in their large home for eight weeks. The day before my brother-in-law was set to drive there, his twin called and said he could stay with them only if he apologized to his wife for a letter he wrote 30 years earlier, shortly after his son died. (My brother-in-law doesn’t remember this letter or anyone referring to it before.) His twin said: “I have to choose between you and my marriage.” My brother-in-law says he understands, but my sister is heartbroken for him. Doesn’t the twin have to keep his word and let his brother stay at his house?SISTERAren’t you overlooking a simpler solution than a showdown over forced houseguests? Your brother-in-law could tell his brother’s wife that he has no memory of the letter. (It was written decades ago, after all, during a painful period in his life.) Still — and this is the important part — he could also say that, if she is willing to discuss the issue, he will certainly apologize for any hurt he caused.I understand your focus on your sister’s distress. She’s your sister! But neither illness nor prior invitation voids a person’s right to decide who will stay in her home. And it would be a mistake, in my view, to insist that medical treatment or the passage of time requires people to bury deeply held feelings.Now, we can quibble over what should have happened 30 years ago and how we may prioritize these issues differently. But it’s often wise to take people up on their suggestions about how to resolve conflicts with them. Here, a woman has asked for an apology. If your brother-in-law can make one sincerely, that seems like the best way to secure his lodging and heal his relationship with his sister-in-law, no?Miguel PorlanWhat to Ask Yourself Before ‘Shouldn’t She Be in School?’My husband and I pay a woman to clean our home every Thursday morning. She does a great job, and we are pleased with her services. The problem: For the past few months, she has brought her young daughter (who seems to be in her early teens) to help her. My husband thinks we should ask why the girl is not in school, but I think the question is invasive and may make our cleaner — an immigrant of uncertain legal status — uncomfortable. Thoughts?S.The Supreme Court held, over 40 years ago, that any child living in the United States is entitled to a free public education, regardless of his or her legal status. Still, there can be tremendous practical and emotional barriers to enrolling a child who is undocumented in school: language issues, for instance, or feelings of vulnerability. If you and your husband want to help your cleaner send her daughter to school, which I applaud, go for it! Otherwise, why are you asking?Putting a Son’s Surliness Into PerspectiveMy husband and I have lived across the street from an elderly couple for seven years. We maintained a friendly relationship with them until six months ago, when their son (who does not live with them) antagonized us and then threatened my husband. He later apologized halfheartedly, but the collateral damage is that we cut off contact with our neighbors. Now, the husband has died, and we don’t know how to handle condolences or whether to attend his memorial service. Advice?NEIGHBORSQuestion for you: Why do you think the fractious son apologized at all? Probably because his parents asked him to out of respect for your friendship. You haven’t shared the details of your confrontation, and I understand your reluctance to have anything to do with the son.But your friendly neighbor has just lost her husband. Of course you should make a condolence call and ask if you may attend his memorial service. Have compassion — and perspective! This woman’s loss dwarfs your squabble with her son.I Got In! So Why Do I Feel Like This?In December, I learned that I was admitted, early action, to my first-choice college. At first, I was stoked. Then I started to feel bad: Many of my friends, who worked just as hard as I had, didn’t get good news. And since Christmas break, I’ve started to feel let down — like the achievement I thought was going to make me feel like a rock star isn’t doing it for me. Do you think this is weird?SENIORFirst, congratulations on your admission! I know the competition is fierce and your hard work was probably substantial. As for the evolution of your feelings, they are totally natural (in my experience): You are more than your accomplishments, and your friends are more than their disappointments. If I were you, I would set aside the college question for a minute and focus on your connections with friends and others in your community. They will often be more nourishing than achievements.For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on the platform X. More