There are only 24 hours to go until the polls close on the American election. Which is surprising, because the campaign feels like it has been going for eleventy-million-billion years.Americans, at least, get to vote. For the rest of the world, the whole experience is like waking up in a cinema that only shows The Fast and the Furious movies, and all of the exits are sealed shut with cement.We’ve been stuck in here with loud noises, annoying characters and zero plot development for months, eating the curtains for food and desperately hoping it all comes to an end without actual loss of life. Or, you know, a massively increased prospect of nuclear war.What it’s like to be trapped in America’s version of that cinema right now is unimaginable. Circumstances suggest it’d involve a lot of audience members holding guns, cheers ringing out whenever stupid lines are delivered and way too much coughing for anyone to feel comfortable.Elections in other countries universally elicit two responses from those foreign to them: “She seems nice” or “That’s a worry.” Jacinda Ardern may have transformed New Zealand into the world’s idea of Magical Happy Hug Land, but in their last election how many internationals were furiously scanning weighted polling averages at 2am because Wairarapa seemed too close to call?Now, millions of us around the world recently sport what I call the “FiveThirtyEight Pallor” – a face-bound, sleepless waxiness that results from relentlessly refreshing US poll sites to see if there’s any projected movement in Maine’s second district. Vast hordes of non-farming, non-Americans now intimately familiar with the price of soybeans in Iowa is a terrifying symptom of these anxious times.Is there a way for powerless, poll-watching foreigners to get through the next 24 hours – and the aftermath – without complete nervous collapse? Probably not. But let’s delude ourselves into thinking that we can follow the below advice and go through this with a sense of calm.1. We must admit to ourselves we are powerless over the US, and to think otherwise will make our lives unmanageableAs much as you may want scream HOW CAN YOU VOTE FOR THIS LARGE ORANGE CLOWN to Americans visible on Twitter, don’t. This very publication is haunted by the failure of “Operation Clark County” back in 2004, where British Guardian readers wrote letters of persuasion to a swing district of American voters, requesting politely they not vote for George W Bush. “Real Americans aren’t interested in your pansy-ass, tea-sipping opinions” began one of the gentler replies.2. Prepare American-themed delicacies for the occasionIf you’re short on time, grab some traditional spray cheese-in-a-can or some Twinkies, but to really immerse yourself for the US election, follow the YouTube directions to whip up a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto Turkey with all the trimmings. Then, don’t eat this food; stare at it. Stare at the thick, plastic cheesiness. The sugary crustiness. The holy-god-how-is-any-of-this-still-legally-considered-food heart-endangering carbohydration of it all and ask yourself both a) does Britain really want a trade deal with these people? and b) is doing this to human food in any way culturally understandable to you? No. No, it isn’t. Do you think you can intuit their political choices now? No. No, you can’t.3. Don’t watch Fox News coverageThere are those who believe that Fox is some kind of foul, relentless rightwing propaganda hydra managed by a clan of vampiric undead that wilfully spreads lethal misinformation for fun. This is not true. It’s actually a sophisticated marketing operation for mass sales of anti-anxiety medication that no one needs until they watch one single uninterrupted minute of its programming. Save your money, and your cardiovascular health: avoid.4. Believe the polls: it’s not 2016 any moreThe 2016 election was a confluence of black swan events: an unpredictable Republican campaign, a polarising Democratic candidate, dark digital operations, WikiLeaks-dumped cache of stolen correspondence, and the FBI’s improbable decision to reopen the dead investigation into Clinton’s emails collided with outdated polling techniques. This year, poll techniques are updated, and as much as the Republicans are trying to make Hunter Biden’s laptop happen, it’s not going to happen.5. Don’t believe the polls, have you forgotten 2016?Remember the surety everyone had on election day morning that Clinton would be president by night-time and the tiny-pawed tangerine vagina-grabber would be left hustling for gigs on celebrity baking shows and charity golf events? By midnight we were coiled in foetal balls on the living room floor in shock, our cold hands begging for the comfort of a security blanket, or at least a wizard companion to guide us through a new, dark and terrifying realm.6. Vacuum the living room floor. Locate a security blanket. Order a wizardUS polling website Fivethirtyeight.com still gives the carrot-coloured super-spreader a 10% chance of victory.There’s one thing we know about The Fast and the Furious. Just when you think that the franchise is finally finished is when you’ll find out they’re making a sequel. More
