A Friend Lied About Her Dying Brother to Cancel Plans With Me. Help!

My friend of many years, who is an alcoholic in denial, lies to cancel social commitments with me. I am trying to maintain our friendship because I care about her, but the excuse she gave me for her most recent cancellation is beyond the pale: She claimed that her brother, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer, had taken a turn for the worse, and that she just wanted “to stay home and cry.” When I checked the story with one of her siblings, though, it turned out his condition hadn’t worsened. I am really upset that she fabricated this excuse. I am close to her brother. Is this a deal breaker for our friendship?

FRIEND

I completely understand your distress. It feels terrible to be lied to by friends. And if your old friend had written to me, I would tell her as much. But she didn’t write — you did. So, I am going to give you some advice, and I hope you take it in the helpful spirit in which it is intended, because frankly, your letter struck me differently than you probably intended it to.

Friends don’t malign each other gratuitously. Yet you introduce your friend as “an alcoholic in denial.” Respectfully, only mental health professionals, in consultation with their patients, are qualified to diagnose drinking problems. And as far as I can tell, her drinking is unrelated to your question. Still, it suggests that you are judgmental of your friend. Not my first choice in a dinner companion!

The crux of your complaint, though, is that she lied to you about her sick brother’s condition. That was a lousy thing to do! But if your friend feels overwhelmed (about her brother or anything else) and asks to cancel a plan, that seems like a legitimate request to me. Now, you can certainly tell her you prefer truthful excuses. And she may have burned through your generosity by now. But sitting in judgment of your friend is the last thing either of you needs.

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