Our Daughter Expects Child Care Even When Her Toddler Is Sick. Help!

My husband and I, in our 70s, provide child care for our 18-month-old granddaughter. She spends two days a week with us and three days in day care. She is frequently sick, and we have contracted R.S.V., colds and the flu from her. When I suggested to my daughter that she keep our grandchild at home on the worst days, she replied that my germophobic anxiety was causing her anxiety and that she would use the day care full time. (She also said I needed professional help.) The issue: My husband is devastated! He wants to care for our granddaughter whether she is sick or not. But if he gets sick, I will, too. I mask, but I am still exposed. So I am reluctant to make plans with friends, and I cancel others, for fear of infecting people. Meanwhile, my daughter accuses me of rejecting her “gift” of spending time with our granddaughter. Help!

GRANDMOTHER

I’m sorry that your daughter spoke to you so unkindly — while you are doing her a favor, no less! I sympathize with her need for reliable child care, which is often difficult to find and expensive. But providing it is not your responsibility. You have already raised your children. If you and your husband want to pitch in, wonderful! But it is also reasonable for you to discuss your boundaries: Who will take care of the child when she is sick or infectious?

Even if your daughter moves her child to day care full time, there is still the question of sending her when she is sick. Contagious children are not generally welcome. And framing your sensible concern for your health as hypochondriacal — while she casts her own need for child care as a gift — seems manipulative.

So on to a possible solution: Your husband wants to care for your grandchild regardless of her health. Perhaps on days when she is ill, he can watch her at your daughter’s house. He should mask and wash his hands frequently. And if he is rigorous about this protocol, he may be able to pull it off without becoming ill or infecting you. If he can’t, child care experiment over!

Left Out in the Cold by a Seating Policy

For my partner’s birthday, I took her to the hippest restaurant in our city. Its website says that reservations are not accepted and that first come first served is a fair experience for everyone. So, we waited in the cold for 30 minutes. When we were next in line, we watched the staff push together several tables and even move an already seated couple to accommodate a party of six that was behind us in line. The host then told us that there would be no room for us that evening. Did the restaurant do us dirty?