Why Men and Boys Are Struggling

To the Editor:

Re “The Crisis of Men and Boys,” by David Brooks (column, Sept. 30):

I have been a psychotherapist working with men in individual and group treatment for 30 years in prisons and the community. My clients have committed criminal sexual offenses. I agree with Mr. Brooks’s analysis that men are in trouble, but I do not think it is new.

The socialization of boys to embrace a narrow set of ideas and behaviors restricts their ability to experience the fullness of humanity. The “weak” characteristics identified with females are stifled in boys, and those emotions and behaviors are the best of being human: gentle, loving, compassionate, empathic and interdependent. Our society teaches boys that their value is when they are in control, have power and engage with the world in an aggressive way.

My clients, and many men, have suffered from this, and it manifests in feelings of isolation and loneliness. This isolation leads to anger, and without the ability to cope it can become very destructive.

I appreciate Mr. Brooks’s discussion and encourage all of us to see boys and men as complex, emotional human beings. The message I always share with my clients is that men and women are not that different. We all want love, validation, a sense of belonging and people to share our lives with. It is really that simple.

Eileen Redden
South Windsor, Conn.

To the Editor:

Toxic masculinity is just that — toxic. David Brooks identifies “being the main breadwinner for your family” as an obsolete ideal. I agree. Even more toxic, however, is an ideal that is not obsolete — real men don’t ask for help. Instead, they soldier on, man up, push through, take one for the team. “I’m OK” is a very old lie.

We need more popular culture male role models — strong superhero types — to come forward and share weakness and a need for help. “It’s OK to not be OK” is acceptable for women but not for men. Run through your own memory list of popular sports figures who have come forward with mental health issues: Michael Phelps … and then Naomi Osaka, Simone Biles, Amanda Beard and Serena Williams. Even a quick Google search of lists is sure to yield more women’s names than men’s.

We also need more role models from “ordinary life” — community leaders, high school and college faculty and coaches, counselors and social workers, law enforcement, the military — beer-drinking dads and big brothers who will help balance the genders waiting outside those mental health support centers we were enlightened enough to build.

Susanne Murphy
Guilford, Conn.

To the Editor:

David Brooks cites research by Richard V. Reeves documenting the slower brain development in boys when compared with girls. One of Mr. Reeves’s recommendations is that boys start school a year later than girls. Though some find this recommendation controversial, it seems to me to be just common sense. In fact, I wish that almost 70 years ago I had been “redshirted.”

In addition to being a boy, I have an August birthday and consequently was one of the younger students in my class. I struggled in elementary school and had a mediocre record in high school. However, I came into my own in college and eventually earned a doctorate.

Today, it is not uncommon for parents to give their slower-developing child an extra year before starting school. Though that decision should be made on an individual basis, it is important that parents have sufficient information to make an informed choice.

Richard Winchell
St. Charles, Ill.

To the Editor:

Re “Boys and Men Are in Crisis Because Society Is,” by Michelle Goldberg (column, Oct. 4):

As the father of two young adult men, I am grateful that attention is beginning to be paid to the crisis that men and boys face. As Ms. Goldberg indicates, we can address longstanding racial and gender inequities that have negatively affected women, Black and Indigenous people, and other groups while also working to adjust societal structures to ensure the full integration of males into society.

We should carry out every effort to lift up boys and men who are increasingly being left behind. Don’t the boys and men in our lives deserve this?

Edwin Andrews
Malden, Mass.

To the Editor:

A modest proposal. If men and boys are less likely to excel in school, are more likely to live with their parents and are lonelier than women, why don’t they raise the unwanted children that women are being forced to bear? It makes perfect sense, and as a primary parent, I guarantee they’ll never be lonely again.

Anastasia Torres-Gil
Santa Cruz, Calif.

Herschel Walker: Hypocritical and Unqualified?

To the Editor:

Re “Republicans’ Unholy Alliances,” by Maureen Dowd (column, Oct. 9):

As a prospective father who had no intention of being a part of his child’s life, Herschel Walker made the proper call by paying his girlfriend to have an abortion if that was her wish. It doesn’t, however, change the fact that he has had children with different mothers who have never been a part of his life.

It doesn’t change the credible allegations of his violence toward his ex-wife, and it doesn’t change the fact that he is running as a strong anti-choice candidate with no exceptions for rape, incest or when the life of the mother is at risk.

There are two reasons that Herschel Walker is the Republican nominee for a Senate seat in Georgia. He was a great college and N.F.L. running back, and Donald Trump urged him to run. Nobody believes that Herschel Walker is qualified or competent enough to be in the Senate.

Many of his public statements are incoherent, but as a conservative radio host and former N.R.A. spokesperson, Dana Loesch, said: “I don’t care if Herschel Walker paid to abort endangered baby eagles. I want control of the Senate.”

As Republican leaders, always concerned about their brand, rush to defend Mr. Walker, I wonder if more than a few of them secretly hope that he fails.

Elliott Miller
Bala Cynwyd, Pa.

To the Editor:

Re “In Georgia’s Senate Race, Evangelicals Find a Way With Walker” (front page, Oct. 10):

It is one thing to say the ends justify the means and overlook the personal failings of candidates like Herschel Walker because he’ll support your policies. It is another to say you’re still living up to the code of conduct the Holy Scriptures expect while you’re doing it.

Maybe evangelicals need to reread Mark 8:36 — “For what shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and suffers the loss of his soul?” — before deciding if Mr. Walker is really the best choice for their eternal salvation.

Michael Scott
San Francisco

To the Editor:

Herschel Walker is a liar, is a hypocrite (at least on abortion), demands that people pay attention to what he says, not what he does, and is allegedly a physical abuser. Oh, wait. That does sound exactly like someone running for office who a lot of people would vote for.

John Matulis
King of Prussia, Pa.